On Things Girls Are Better At Than Boys

"They have to have men and women in separate categories for curling in the Olympics because women are better at sweeping than men." - Student

How Could It Not Go Up?

"A 13 %!! Awesome, it went up!" - Student on seeing his new grade

On Risk/Reward Calculations

"Hey, go in there for me" - Student 1 (asking her friend to go into a class in session and get something)

"No, there's no hot guys in there" - Student 2

On Watching Your Mother Give Birth

"I told her 'Mom, I've spent too much time staring at your vagina' " - Student

As I Feel My Stomach Sink To My Feet

"Would you be happy or sad if you found out you were pregnant as a high school student?" - Student

Meanwhile The Teenage Boy In The Discussion Is Trying To Not Look Too Interested

"My friend walked out of her classroom and there were two girls just full on making out." - Student 1 (female)

"Uggh, that's disgusting. I think I'd have to go take a shower after that" - Student 2 (female)

I'm Not Looking Forward To Getting Old Either

"Why is it that when you get old you have to get a prostate exam? And why do they have to test for it like that? It's just wrong." - Student

On Being A Cheerleader In Uniform

"It's kind of like walking around school in your underwear" - Student

On the Wisdom Of Teenage Boys

"Do you think we'd get in trouble if we brought blow up dolls instead of beach balls to graduation? We'd paint the parts purple and white." - Student

Make Sure Your Sister Doesn't Rat You Out

"Hey _______ your mom called to excuse your brother's absence yesterday. She said he had diarrhea." - Teacher
"He didn't have diarrhea. He got a ticket. He went home to get his money so he could pay it off before my parents found out and my mom caught him at home and so he lied to her so he wouldn't get in trouble" - Student

Thanks For Checking

Phone conversation from earlier this morning

"Hello" - Teacher

"Hello, this is ________'s mom. Is he there today?" - Parent (incredibly thick Asian accent)

"He was, class is over so he's already gone. Can I transfer you to his next teacher?" - Teacher

"No. I just checking to see if he in class today" - Parent

"Thank you. Yes, he was here." - Teacher

"Okay, good. Yesterday he come home early because he get the diarrhea. I just checking to make sure he no have it anymore." - Parent

I'm Glad You Finished That Question

"When was your first time.........(3 or 4 second pause)... hung over?" - Student asking me

And I'm Supposed To Care?

"I hate you" - Student - angrily as she walked out the door

Why Did She Have Her Sandwich In The Bathroom?

"Ask ______ about her sandwich. When we were in 8th grade she accidentally left it in the bathroom. It was all wrapped in foil and some other kid wrote bomb on it so they evacuated the whole school and we had to stand out in the freezing cold for like three hours while the brought the bomb squad in and took it out." - Student

Maybe I Should Look At Who I'm Talking To Before I Answer

"Can I go to the bathroom?" - Student (about 7 months pregnant)

"Can you wait?" - Teacher

And How Do You Know That?

"Potassium looks like cocaine" - Student

No... You're A Moron With A Head Injury

"It's OK, I'm a gymnast" - Student - after landing headfirst on concrete after failing an attempted backflip

Did She Go To A Witch Doctor?

"My sister went to some doctor because she has all these allergies. To test to see if she was allergic to cats he had her hold cat hair in her hand and hold out her arm while he tried to push her arm down. He said that because she couldn't hold up her arm with the cat hair in her hand but could hold up the arm without cat hair that she was allergic to cats." - Student

Stomping On My Foot Keep From Laughing

"We missed you" - Teacher (she'd been absent at least a week)
"Yeah, sorry"
"I would have been there yesterday but my chicken died"
"I had to go home early because I was sad" - Student
"Okay" - Teacher (struggling to not smile or sound incredulous)
"Yeah, it was my favorite pet chicken" - Student
"Well, I'll see you in class" - Teacher

WTF? - Are You An IDIOT?/Why The Hell Are You Calling Your Kid In The Middle Of Class?!

This was in the middle of a lecture in class with a kid less than six feet from me.

"Hello" - Student
"Really?!, HANG UP YOUR PHONE" - Teacher
"But its my mom" - Student
"HANG UP THE PHONE" - Teacher
"But my mom's calling me" - Student
"I don't care, hang it up" - Teacher
"But she'll be mad if I don't answer" - Student
"GET OUT" - Teacher

At Least She's Honest

"We missed you yesterday" - Teacher

"Yeah, I was acting sick" - Student

On Priorities

"My sister fell down in the snow this morning and said 'ow, my phone' " - Student

And You're Selling It At An Adult Store?

"We're making a robot that can be switched to either male or female. It's going to be an awesome toy" - Student

On Marketing Lies

"Big macs are total lies. There's nothing big about them." - Student

Please Lay Off The Reefer, Genius

"I only counted 44 states" - Student

"You counted every single one?" - Teacher

"Oh, Alaska's a state?" - Student

On Being Caught In The Act

"Welcome back, its been a while" - Teacher (to a student who has been gone for at least 3 weeks)

"They kind of made me come back, they came to my house and got me" - Student

"So they woke you up and drug you out of bed?" - Teacher

"Well..., I wasn't exactly sleeping, in bed" - Student

I'll Keep That In Mind

"I'm not allowed to cook anymore because I kind of burned down someone's house last summer" - Student

Thanks For Starting My Day On A Positive Note

"I've come to the conclusion that teaching is a failure driven career. No matter what I do I'll never be good enough." - Teacher

On The Effects Of Non-academic College Activities

"Can you let me into my room I locked my keys in there" - Teacher 1

"And that's what we call brain damage." - Teacher 2

"Yeah, too much hops and bong resin" - Teacher 1

Since When Did High Five = Gay?

"Let's be gayer than a rainbow and give each other a high five." - Student to another student

This One's Got Potential

"Why did you transfer to here?" - Teacher

"Because I got kicked out" - Student

"For?" - Teacher

"They said I was selling drugs" - Student

"Were you?" - Teacher

"No, I was just using them" - Student

Please Stop Wasting My Time

"Why haven't you been coming to school?" (he's been absent the past 3 weeks) - Teacher

"My hands hurt" - Student

"Really?" - Teacher

"Yeah, I had some warts removed and it hurt." - Student

And You Wonder Why You Don't Have A Girlfriend

"I've got a question. Why do girls feel the need to tell us all their problems when we really don't care. It's really annoying." - Student (male) asking a bunch of girls

On Birth Control

"So because of her (The Virgin Mary) we can't say that abstinence is 100% effective" - Student

On The Mercurial Emotions Of Teenage Girls

"This machine is like a 13 year old girl. If you look at it wrong its going to break down and cry." - Phlebotomist at Red Cross Blood Drive about the double red cell machine.

Thanks For The Moral Support

"You have girl blood" - Student to me after seeing the plasma being returned to my arm from the double apheresis machine.

One Of Life's Enduring Mysteries

"Why do those people (from Canada) like to jump naked into really cold water?" - Student

That Can't Be Appropriate - Time For You To Quit Talking

"Did I just hear you say Camel Toe?" - Student (really loudly to his seatmate)

So The Earth Used To Be Egg Shaped?

Quiz Question - Why are tropical fossils found on Antarctica?

Student Answer - "Because Antarctica used to be farther south."

Exactly How Long Do You Plan On Living?

"Girls are mean" - Student 1 (Male)

"You're giving us a bad name" - Student 2 (female)

"You give yourselves a bad name!" - Student 3 (male)

How Kids Describe Parents

"I saw your dad the other day. He came with this entourage of Mexicans." - Student

Random

"You guys are lucky. You get to look at Asian cheek cells." - Student

We Only Hire The Best

"My English teacher my sophomore year would come in every morning and say 'good morning dumb asses' to our class." - Student

And We Wonder Why They Fail

"Any last questions before today's test?" - Teacher

"We have a test today?" - Student

If Only They Passed The Other Tests Too

"If our students took a gang (state assessment) they would all get 100%" - Vice Principal

Yes, We Can Tell

"I took some drugs this morning" - Principal

Well Played

"I'm glad to see you're showing your school spirit" - Student - about my shirt (one I wear to work on a regular basis) on ugly shirt and tie day during spirit week.

On Things You Shouldn't See Your Parents Do

"I watched my sister being born. The doctor made me touch her head when she was crowning" - Student

New Term: Jab

Jab = "Really Mexican, Mexican. Hat, Shirt halfway unbuttoned with hair sticking out the top, etc."

Example:

"My brother is a real jab" - Student

On Homecoming Dates

"I thought you had a date" - Student 1

"Well..., it turns out he has a criminal record" - Student 2

On Homecoming Dresses

"Yeah, mine's a little tight so if we go out to eat, I'll go to the bathroom and you'll hear this gunshot and say '_______'s out of her dress" - Student

But Compared To Other Classes It Really Sucks?

"Your class isn't bad for a science class" - Student

Thanks For Sharing

"For example if you get epic diarrhea and get dehydrated they'll give you fluid at the hospital to rehydrate you" - Teacher

"I had that once" - Student

Can You Say Food Poisoning

"I don't really trust the school milk. Sometimes it's chunky" - Student

Kinda Sad/Really Clueless

"I started gaining all this weight. I just thought my metabolism had slowed down" - Student on finding out she was 20 weeks pregnant

And You Quit Going Because They Stopped Feeding You?

"When I was little kid I went to church for the churros." - Student

Only If You Believe In Magic

"I just turned in that one assignment, do you think that will raise my grade from a 61 to a C?"

Is That Her Name?

"Why were you tardy to your 4th hour every day last week?" - Teacher

"My shoe kept coming untied" - Student

New Term: Mexican Hamburger

Mexican Hamburger: A slab of meat with ketchup on it between two slices of bread.

That's Never A Good Thing

"You were in a nightmare I had last night" - Student to me

Class Would Be Less Disturbing If You Paid Attention

On Last Friday's Quiz

Question: Give Two Examples of Analogous Structures.

Answer: "its somin that has anal or anal sex to have there babys"

That's Embarrassing

"I failed my driving test this weekend because I crashed into a bush." - Student

And I'm Supposed To Believe You?

"Why did you miss class (from 1:30 - 2:30) on Friday?" - Teacher

"I slept in and missed my alarm." - Student

AWKWARD - Please Go Ask Your Mother Next Time

"Can you settle a bet for us? Where does it come out when you pee? Does it come out the ummm..... opening? Or does it come out in front?" - Three girls who stayed after class just to ask their question.

Hookt On Phonix

On an AP assignment that was handed in last week.
"Our Aunt Sisters shot all the bison"

Aunt Sisters vs. Ancestors

Remind Me To Stay Away From You

"You know girls can be serial killers too" - Student (female) with teardrop sized heart tattoos beside her eye

Teenage Boys and Boobs

"This kid in the lunch room was measuring people's boobs" - Student

2 minutes later

"Then he felt his own boobs and said 'I have the best one's here'" - Student

What Teenage Boys Think About

Answer on a quiz

Q: What is Artificial Selection

A: "When a regular guy can get with a model"

I Didn't Realize It Was That Vicious

"You'd better sleep with one eye open tonight." - Student as she handed in her test

One Of Life's Great Mysteries

"Which is meaner? Butt-licker or Ass-wipe. - Student

I Don't Think I Was Supposed To Hear That

"Just wear cute underwear on lab days." - student (female) whispering to her friend after learning that any contaminated clothing items must be removed when using the emergency safety shower.

Wow, That Makes This Job Look Good

"That's why I got the $40,000 if you get shot insurance policy. Its like a million if you actually die." - New Teacher discussing the danger level at his previous school

You Might Be A Redneck If....

"I've achieved my life's goal. I now live in a town that has pizza delivery." - New teacher from Oklahoma on moving to the cities

On How Circumcisions Are Done

"Well, that's pretty much the nuts and bolts of it." - My son's pediatrician, after describing the details of the circumcision procedure

I Really Hope You're Joking

"I just printed it, so it should be good." - the guy buying my exercise bike off craigslist as he hands me a 100 dollar bill.

On STD's and Sex - Did I Really Just Say That?

"The smartest thing to do is just stay out of the pool, but if you're going to jump in then at least wear a floatie." - Teacher

No, I'm A Teacher, I Don't Know How To Do That

"Do you know how to get on the computer and go on google and look something up?" - Teacher's aide asking me

What Lies Beneath

"I'm not wearing anything under my robe. Just Socks" - Student 1 (male)
"I'm wearing my bright pink bathing suit, and if it rains...." - Student 2 (female) - discussing their graduation attire

On Hugh Heffner

"I just can't see sitting down with him and discussing the 'Tale of Two Cities' - Teacher 1 (female) - on why she didn't find Hugh Heffner attractive
"Yeah, but I can see him discussing the tail in two cities - Teacher 2 (male)

Disturbing

"Give a man a match he'll be warm for a minute... but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Student - written on his final exam

I Guess That Works

"I brought you a McGriddles because I knew you'd be mad at me" - Student as he arrived 30 minutes late to my class.

That Was Random

"Do you have any hand sanitizer? My nose ring stinks." - Student

Stupid Subs

This is the note I got from my last sub. Obviously not a good one as she couldn't spell or use grammar.

Well Played

"What is quick and dirty?" - Student 1
"Your mom" - Student 2

On People Who Greet Overly Affectionately

"I'm pretty sure I went to third base with my administrator" - Teacher (female) discussing chaperoning a school dance with another administrator (female) who had a tendency to hug and kiss at every greeting

That Would Be One Way To Get Fired

"You should just let me take my clothes off and shower over there" - Student -referring to the safety shower in my classroom

First Puker of the Dissection Season

"I'm going to go throw up now" (very calmly, like it was no big deal) - One of the biggest, toughest sophomore boys during day 3 of the pig dissection. To his credit he did come back and keep on working like nothing ever happened.

Don't Mess With Karma

"I paid her $20 to write my essay. Then she calls me last night at like ten and says 'sorry, I didn't get to it so you're going to have to write it yourself.' " - Student whining to a friend about having to stay up late to write an essay

Backstory?

"Call 911, we just lost the Viagara" - Random kid walking by my classroom

Please Tell Me You're Not Talking About A Body

"Just throw it in the river, they'll never find it." - Student

Good to know

"Mom, I don't like sexy transvestites" - Student discussing movie suggestions

He Really Thought That Was What It Meant

"Isn't Oaxaca Spanish for short, stumpy Mexican?" - Student

No, It Was Probably Worse

"Watching birth is disturbing. I even watched the video of me being born and that wasn't any better." - Student

Not Sure How That's Any Different

"I'd never fight another girl over a boy." - Student 1 (female)
"I'd just hit her with my truck" - Student 2 (female)

The Kind Of Deep Thinking High School Seniors Are Capable Of

"Do fat animals feel bad about themselves, or do they just learn to live with it?" - Student

On Titty Twister Rules

"You're supposed to let go when they whistle" - Student

Way To Pick On The White Kid For Not Learning Your Language

"What language class are you taking? - Principal
"American Sign Language" - Student
"That's not a real language. You should be taking something important like Spanish" - Principal

Well Played

Ewww, you're putting your finger in that? - Student 1
That's not the only thing he's put his finger in. - Student 2

I'd Rather Gouge My Eyes Out

"My little brother had pink eye and my mom put breast milk in it and its gone. She does it for me too. Those Mexican remedies really work." - Sophmore

Why Do We Try?

Written on the board: 15 meters
Student Questions: "Why is feet spelled so weird?"

So True

"All its are going to do is give us an extra slosh or two around the bowl." - Teacher on administration's attempts to "reform" the school so we aren't taken over by the state for our epic failures (less than 50% graduation rate).

On Stretching

"So what we want to do is stretch it out" - Teacher
"That's what she said" - Student

I Wish I Was Making This One Up - It Must Be Breeding Season

"I have an innie, you have an outie, lets hang out." - Student to another student

On The Gulf Coast Oil Spill

"Did you hear we have a new petroleum reserve? Its called the Gulf Coast." - Student

On Keeping High Schoolers From Breeding

"I don't know if you realize the commitment to breeding that some of these kids have." - Teacher

That Sounds Promising

Things heard before AP Calculus exam

"I'll race you"
"Can we cry now?"
"Is it OK to cry during the test"

I'm Pretty Sure They Aren't That Lovely

From An Assignment on the Digestive System

Questions: How does gas travel to the anus?
Student Answer: Through some very lovely pipes.

Where do I work?

"Is blood good for plants? The grass grew really good in my yard where they shot that guy." - Student

The Gnome Story

As told to me by a coworker. She swears its a true story that happened to one of coworkers at the jewelry store she works at part time.

Her coworker's kid called the store all excited one day telling her "Mama, Mama, come home, come see what I got!" She told him "I'm working, show me when I get home". He kept calling back with the same message "Mama, Mama, come home, come see what I got!" just as excited each time. Finally, she figured she should go home and check it out so she got her manager to cover for her and went home. Her son is waiting at the door for her all excited and the first words out of his mouth are "Mama, I caught a gnome!" He proceeds to take her to his room where he has barricaded his closet door with his bed and desk. When they unbarricade and open the door she finds a midget in there. Apparently her son had opened the door to a missionary and decided that the missionary was a gnome and decided to catch him by locking him in his closet.

New term - MOA

MOA - Mother of all Assholes

As in:
"He's a total MOA."

Electron Acceptor = Whore?

"Chlorine is the whore of chemistry" - student

Your Mom Has What

"My mom has little crabs" - Student

Well Played

"Why are you stupid enough to smoke weed?" - Teacher
"Why are you stupid enought be a teacher?" - Student

On Weed

"I just stick it in my boobs. They only make you pull out your bra and see if anything falls." - Student

Its a tricky language

"When I was in the 2nd grade I used cooch instead of couch. 'The cooch is purple' (pretending to read like a little kid) " - Student

On A Particularly Dumb Student's Chances Of Sucess

"She'd better marry rich" - Teacher

I'm sorry I asked

"Where's ________?" - Teacher
"She has a rash." - Student

Solar system review

"And then the sun reflects off of uranus" - Student

How do you answer that one?

"Will there be weed in heaven? You know, because its natural." - Kid in my youthgroup

Now I'm disturbed

"Have you ever had this weird dream about one of your teachers, and then when you go to school the next day you can't even look at them?" - kid in my youthgroup

Not the best strategy

"When I was a kid I used to eat ants to impress the girls." - Student

It was all I could do to keep a straight face

"You're late. But at least you're here, your sister never made it last hour." - Teacher
"What a vagina!" - Student

New Term: Corndog

Corndog - to knee/kick/poke someone else in the butthole region.

As in:
"Stop kicking her" - Teacher
" I wasn't, I was giving her a corndog" - Student

I think I would have cracked up laughing

B_________ is in the principal's office for mooning Mrs. A_______. He was showing her his aloha tattoo. - Student

Glad to see he's making good decisions

"So where are you headed after graduation?" - teacher
"California" - Student 1
"What's so good about California?" - teacher
"the view" - Student 1
"In the bedroom" - Student 2

On Ingenious Motivational Strategies

"When I first came back to work after having my son, I put a picture of him crying up where I could see it at work to remind me to take my time. I sent happy pictures with his dad to make him want to come home early." - Massage Therapist

On sex

"I was watching national geographic last night and saw this disturbing MRI of two people doing it" - Student 1 - male
"Who would sign up for that?" - Student 2 - male
"I would!" - Student 3 - female

You know its going to be a good story when you hear:

"I found this old lady laying in the middle of the street once" - Teacher

Do I Really Look That Bad?

"Seriously, who dressed you this morning?" - student (very emphatically)

And We Wonder Why They Fail Tests

Things I hear as they walk in to take their test test.
"Oh, we have a test today?"
"Oh yeah, we have a test, I forgot to study"
"ABCDABCD"
"What are we doing today?"
"What's the test about?"

Try not to make that a mental image

"Where do peas come from?" - Student 1
"They're leprechaun gonads" - Student 2

Stop Smoking Programs

"You know you're not supposed to be out smoking. If I see you again we're going to have to have this conversation about foot A and butt B." - Teacher
"Next time they light a cigarette, punch them as hard as you can and say that's from (Teacher). Even better, hit them in the throat so they get used to throat pain" - Teacher talking to the non smoker of the groupb

Then Why Do You Do It?

"You'll see them on Monday morning and not want to look them in the eye" - Student refering to the other students at the sadie hawkins dance/grind

Yeah, I Don't Want To Know Either

"I don't even want to know what's happening in the middle of that (the dance cluster), there's probably a condom or something on the floor" - Security

That's An Disturbingly Accurate Description

"There's something disturbing about watching 400 High School kids dry humping" - Teacher

On High School Dances

"I would have never made it into these when I was in High School. Not with the breathalyzer at the door." - Teacher

Did I Really Just Say That?

"Will you stop playing with your nipples! They're not going to conduct electricity." - Teacher during lab

On Showing Up At The Wrong Club

"We didn't go to a gay bar, we just happened to show up on gay night" - Student

Tell Me How You Really Feel

"How about you use evaluate instead of work through. Work through sounds like my marriage." - Teacher

On Touching After Marriage

"After you marry a woman with six kids, who wants to get touched?" - Teacher

On Novel Ways To Use A Textbook

"My students learn through suppository text. You should see the literacy tools we use." - Teacher

That's Comforting

"We're all failing, even though we're using different strategies to achieve failure." - Teacher

New Term

Chi mo - Child Molester
Chi as in tea, mo as in momentum

As in:
"Johnny Depp looked like such a chimo in Willie Wonka" - Student

Wow, That's Not Racist Or Anything

"What do fences and white guys have in common?"
"They're both always getting jumped by mexicans" - Teacher

Tell Me How You Really Feel About Marriage

"When you say those vows, you're signing a death certificate" - Pastor

Yeah, me neither

"How come you don't just give me an A" - Student
"Because I don't want to be going into surgery in 10 years and look up and see you and think 'O shoot, I gave him an A' I want to be able to see you and feel safe knowing that you know your stuff" - Teacher (male)
"Well I'm going to be an OB/GYN and I hope I don't have to see you in my office" - Student 2

Well Played

I had a student messenger come in to my room to deliver a message so I let him make his announcement.
"Please let _______ know that his gay pride parade registration is in for him to pick up in the office" - Student messenger

He bailed immediately and the kid (his friend) went charging after him yelling "I'm going to kill you, you hairy gorilla."

On Rootwords

"Homo means same, so what does homogenized mean? Like in homogenized milk." - Teacher
"You mean milk comes from gay cows!!? - Student

They're Starting to Think Like Warped Biologists

"That's some hard core meiosis" - Student commenting on Penguins copulating on a Planet Earth video

Thats gotta have a great backstory

"You'll get busted for indecent exposure for that." - Student to another student

On Breeders

"My grandma was a little whore too. She had ten kids and none of them have the same dad." - Student

New Term

Bat in the cave = food stuck in your teeth

As in "John had a serious bat in the cave after lunch yesterday"

That Was Random

"Do you want to hear about my tonsils?" - Student to teacher

On Diet

"How come there's all kinds of animals that are vegetarians and are totally healthy and humans can't be healthy without eating meat?" - Student
"I'm a vegetarian and could totally kick your butt!" - Teacher

Lost in Translation

"how do you tell the males and females apart?" - Student 1
"The males don't have egg structures" - Teacher
"No tienes huevos" - Student 1 translating for Student 2
"Tengo huevos!!!" - Student 2

On Computers and Women and Bad Jokes

"How are women and old computers different?"
"A woman isn't going to let you insert a three and a half inch floppy" - Student

Entered that conversation at the wrong time

"I like it loose" - Student (discussing tank tops and other victoria's secret products)

On Sunbathing

"How does hobosynthesis work?" - Student
"What?" - Teacher
"You know, when bums lay out in the sun." - Student

On Hair

"Do you have virgin hair?" - Student

On Lead

"Lead causes brain damage, low IQ, blah, blah, blah" - Teacher
"I think I know a lot of kids who were exposed to lead" - Student

On Vegetarians

"Vegetarians stink! They smell really bad." - Student

On Whale Nipples

"Where are the milk things on whales?" - Student
"Nipples?" - Teacher
"Yeah, where are the nipples on a whale?" - Student

Training videos

"You'll learn in life that if you have to go to a training or sign something its to cover someone's butt. Now if you get hurt you can still sue but you'll have to prove neglect. Which if you're playing for me, isn't hard to do." - Teacher/Coach

Concussions

"Now that I've watched the video, I know the signs for a concussion, which is pretty much every high school kid. Impaired motor skills, stupid decisions, brain damage..." - Teacher

Umm... I don't want to know how you got there

"So is meiosis sexual or asexual reproduction?" - Teacher
"When is your wife having her baby?" - Student

On Math

"I have a really bad headache, I think its my body's way of telling me that Calculus is bad for me." - Student

On Valentines In High School

"Nothing says I love you like a f***ing huge bear and a three pound chocolate heart" - Student (sarcastically)

I Don't Think I Want To

"We're going to play a game called guess whats in my pocket. (pause) That's probably a game that only girls should play." - Teacher leading out a staff meeting

On Swine Flu Urban Legends

"They close the doors and make you leave your clothes outside." - Student

Who Are You Talking About?

"I just don't want her peeing on the graves." - Teacher

That Makes We Want To Contribute

"Your opinion doesn't matter" - Teacher spoken to another teacher

On Farting

"If you've never farted, you've missed out." - Teacher

Overshare

"If I eat too many beans or deviled eggs, I have lots of flatus, you call it farting." - Teacher

Maybe That's Why She Has A 20% F

"That's hard, you expect me to memorize that or something?" - Student
"Yes" - Teacher
"That's stupid, I'm not doing that" - Student

A Better Name For The Undo Button

"Where's your retard button?" - Student

Timing Is Everything

"How do they check for colon cancer" - Student
Before I could answer one of the kids made a motion like he was putting on a glove and going somewhere with two fingers and out of nowhere one of the girls who wasn't paying any attention at all chimes out really loud "That hurts!"

I couldn't keep a straight face and it took me about a minute to recover from laughing so hard I was crying.

This One Is Really Promising

"I'm new" - Student
"Good, what were you studying before?" - Teacher
"I don't know" - Student
"Really?" - Teacher
"Um, graphing" - Student
"That's math" - Teacher
"Oh, then I don't know" - Student

On Chicken Sex

"Do roosters have a weiner?" - Student 1
"No" - Teacher
"So how do chickens do it?" - Student 1
"Well they have this thing called a cloaca" - Teacher (illustrated by hand motions)
"So its basically some scissor action?" - Student 2

At this point I changed the subject

On Sloppy Eaters

"Hey - you must have not gotten over breastfeeding yet! You're still stuck in the phase!" - Student

What are you selling?

"And there ladies and gentlemen is the electric pickle" - Teacher

On Pickles

Called like a play by play with increasing excitement
"Ok, lets plug the pickle in"
"The pickle is dripping"
"The pickle is smoking"
"The pickle is glowing"

On Skydiving

"Only birdshit and idiots fall out of the sky" - Teacher

On Physics Pain

"You ever hear the song 'love hurts'?"
"They're talking about how many times per second it hurts" - Teacher

Its Been A Long Time

"Scientists just discovered an organism, a rotifer, a little pond scum animal, that has been asexual for 20 million years" - teacher
"Wow! That's like my grandma" - Student

How do you answer that?

"If you could make a baby by yourself, how would you do it?" - Student

They Think I'm Insulting Them

"Ok, quiet down diploids"

On Track and Field

"Throwers put the beast in beastiality" - Student

On Candles

"Do you want to buy a candle?" - Student 1
"Umm, no." - Teacher
"They can be used as lotion as well" - Student 1
"So you can set the mood and then use some hot wax as lotion?" - Student 2

How do you know that?

"The freshman this year are little whores" - Student

How?

"Oh, I love fish! I went scuba diving at petland this weekend" - Student

Irony

"I was just telling your sister that when I retire I'm going to borrow a shotgun, get a bunch of alarm clocks, and have a party. And then your mother buys me an alarm clock for my birthday" - My dad

I didn't need to see that (and did I really say that?)

"Ok, what is so distracting" - Teacher
"Just some pictures" - Student 1
"Put it away" - Teacher
"You want to see them?" - Student 1
"It's native porn" - Student 2 (national geographic pictures)
"Uh" - Teacher
"See" - Student 1
"Just put them away" - Teacher
"Look" - Student 1
"Gravity is a harsh mistress" - Teacher

On The Unwritten Code

"I got a bathroom win. There was a kid in the middle urinal and I came in to the urinal right next to him and he left without peeing." - Student

On Life Goals

"I want to torture kids..... I want to be a dentist" - Student

At Least He's Honest

"I think with two places" - Student (and then he proceeded to point)

Clean Your Ears

"In metaphase the sister chromatids line up at the equator" - Teacher
"Sister chromaTITS?" - Student

I guess thats a decent reason

"You should switch into my class" - Student 1
"I can't because there's a hot guy in my 3rd hour" - Student 2

Can You NOT See The Teacher In Front Of You?

"French porn, that's what I have stuck in my head" - student walking down the hall behind me

Did I Really Say That?

"Your parents did something that you don't want to think about, and they made a cell" - Teacher

On Wanting A New Job

"I'm like a rat on a sinking ship, I'm looking for any exit" - Teacher

You Do What?

"Its just so cool to whip it out and say 'look what I have' " - Student discussing an ipod touch

Just Stop Right There

"So what do we do here?" - Teacher
"Well... Step One, you get a box" - Student
"NOOOO, We are NOT going there" - Teacher

That only made it worse

"What are you doing to him?" - Teacher (student was over halfway under the desk of the boy across from her)
"The question is, what is he DOING to me?" - student (female)

EWWWW

"I thought he was like 40 and cute and then I figured out he was like 70 or something." - Student discussing a substitute teacher

On Valentines

"I almost killed a kid with my roses last year." - Student

Hey, Moron, you can't say that to a kid!!

"I don't know why I'm giving you this test. It's not like you're going to pass anyways." - Teacher

They do remember some things... (too bad they forgot about birth control)

"Hey, I got one of those little gene carriers now" - former student I ran into at the hockey game

On Food

"I had a pepperoni log for lunch, I'm pretty sure that counts as all the food groups" - Pete at the hockey game

How Committed Are You?

"Just put it in there, it doesn't matter" - Teacher - writing a test

On Fingers

"I've got large fingers, gentle for you is not gentle for me."

On Birth Control

"No chubba-chubba in the rabbit hutch" - Teacher

Rednecks

"I'm a redneck, I can make anything out of duct tape" - Student

Some rootwords just don't work

"So homologous and analogous structures, what's the difference?" - Student
"Homo means?" - Teacher
"Same" - Student
"So homologous structures are same structures" - Teacher
"And analogous structures..... Ewwww" - Student
"Don't cut that word apart" - Teacher

Ummm.. Not good

"Stop touching my butt" - Student to another student

Disturbing Mental Images

"Its hotter than balls in here" - Student

That's one way of putting it

"We bent those questions over and took them to brown town." - Student

On comebacks

"This hurts my eyes" - Student 1
"You hurt my eyes" - Student 2

When You Know Your Job Is Way Too Close To An Episode Of The Office

"So we need to go through these 15 slides real quick so we can write out our moral purpose and move on" - Teacher/Administrator

Where The Hell Did That Come From

"You just don't want to pull out an electron cloud in the middle of a science meeting or anything" - Teacher

I Just Don't Want To Know

"We have to find a way to not round off the nuts" - Teacher discussing students

Moms again

"Seriously, get off her mom already" - Teacher - after kids have been talking about the same "hot mom" for the past 3 days

And Sometimes They Just Don't Learn

Same kid, 20 minutes later, bugging another girl

"I'm going to shove that plant so far up your ............nose (only because I looked over), that you'll be thinking about plants for the rest of the year" - Student

RUN AWAY!!!

"Boys do lots of stupid things" - Student (female)
"So do girls" - Student (male)
"Like what?" - Student (female) - getting angry
"Do you want a list" - Student (male) - way too quickly

There was an instant coldness and silence that enveloped the entire room as every girl in the room gave him the look of death. I think they might have kicked his ass if I hadn't jumped in and moved class back on topic. I honestly thought I might be calling the nurse to come haul him off to the hospital for testicle retrieval surgery. The girls were absolutely pissed.

On Breaking Up (its not that hard to do)

"I don't want to go there (BYU Idaho)"
"I mean my boyfriend's going there....."
"But that's why I don't want to go there." - Student
"So you're trying to find an excuse to break up" - Teacher
"Shhhhh, I want a hotter boyfriend"
"not that he's not hot"
"I just want hotter" - Student

On The Cause Of The Baby Boom

"The seamen are coming" - Student

On Teenagers

"Are the kids behaving" - Teacher
"Yeah, they're just hormonally imballanced teenagers" - Sub

On Religion and Fitness

"Hurry Up!" - Student 1
"Wait!" - Student 2
"Run!" - Student 1
"I don't run I'm Christian!" - Student 2
"Well I'm Catholic, and I don't got that ass" - Student 1

On Genetics I Really Didn't Need To See

"Is this dominant or recessive?" - Student
"What?" - Me
"This!" - Student
I looked over to see him flexing his pecs to make his moobs dance and jiggle

On Moms

"Your mom is soooo hot" - Student to another student

On Punishments For Dress Code Violations

"I'll just have to take my shirt off" - student

On Being Fat

"I stepped on the scale to weigh in today, and they said 'one at a time please' " - administrator

On Maybe You'll Just Fail Then

"How do you expect me to pass your class if you keep giving me all these assignments? You know I won't do them." - Student

On Pulverizing Things (but it sounded bad out of context)

"It's more fun to do it with a fist" - Teacher

On Please Tell Me You're Not That Stupid

"If I give you Five dollars will you do my math homework from a month ago?" - Student to a Teacher

On Maybe I Should Say Something Else

"Do your work" - Teacher
Student still not working
"you're killing me" - Teacher (frustrated)
"not yet" - Student (jokingly with a huge grin)

On Pregnancy

"Whiskey's for drinking, Water's for fighting" - Teacher
"Oh man, everybody's getting pregnant around here, I'd better drink just the whiskey" - Teacher

On We Really Don't Mean It... Most Of The Time

"I hate kids" - Teacher

On Things Overheard Way Out Of Context

"Take your pants off" - Student (the backstory cleared it up, but still when thats the only thing you hear above a noisy classroom, you get nervous and disturbed)

On Excuses From Late Students

"We all met up in the bathroom.... On accident" - 3 students coming in late

On Huh?

"My pockets hurt" - Student

On random comebacks

"You know what's funny?" - Student 1
"Your face" - Student 2

On genetics..

"I have a tail, you have a tail. Let's do it." - Student 1
"I love that song, it's my ringtone" - Student 2
"What the hell?, that's really a song" - Me (thinking to myself)

"You know you're a hillbilly when your family tree looks like a stick" - Student

On "Holy Shit, Why do I work here?

"Keep your head down today" - Security

On going back to work after vacation

"I was excited to come back to work until I showed up and saw some of the kids I have to teach this morning." - Teacher