Irony

"I was just telling your sister that when I retire I'm going to borrow a shotgun, get a bunch of alarm clocks, and have a party. And then your mother buys me an alarm clock for my birthday" - My dad

I didn't need to see that (and did I really say that?)

"Ok, what is so distracting" - Teacher
"Just some pictures" - Student 1
"Put it away" - Teacher
"You want to see them?" - Student 1
"It's native porn" - Student 2 (national geographic pictures)
"Uh" - Teacher
"See" - Student 1
"Just put them away" - Teacher
"Look" - Student 1
"Gravity is a harsh mistress" - Teacher

On The Unwritten Code

"I got a bathroom win. There was a kid in the middle urinal and I came in to the urinal right next to him and he left without peeing." - Student

On Life Goals

"I want to torture kids..... I want to be a dentist" - Student

At Least He's Honest

"I think with two places" - Student (and then he proceeded to point)

Clean Your Ears

"In metaphase the sister chromatids line up at the equator" - Teacher
"Sister chromaTITS?" - Student

I guess thats a decent reason

"You should switch into my class" - Student 1
"I can't because there's a hot guy in my 3rd hour" - Student 2

Can You NOT See The Teacher In Front Of You?

"French porn, that's what I have stuck in my head" - student walking down the hall behind me

Did I Really Say That?

"Your parents did something that you don't want to think about, and they made a cell" - Teacher

On Wanting A New Job

"I'm like a rat on a sinking ship, I'm looking for any exit" - Teacher

You Do What?

"Its just so cool to whip it out and say 'look what I have' " - Student discussing an ipod touch

Just Stop Right There

"So what do we do here?" - Teacher
"Well... Step One, you get a box" - Student
"NOOOO, We are NOT going there" - Teacher

That only made it worse

"What are you doing to him?" - Teacher (student was over halfway under the desk of the boy across from her)
"The question is, what is he DOING to me?" - student (female)

EWWWW

"I thought he was like 40 and cute and then I figured out he was like 70 or something." - Student discussing a substitute teacher

On Valentines

"I almost killed a kid with my roses last year." - Student

Hey, Moron, you can't say that to a kid!!

"I don't know why I'm giving you this test. It's not like you're going to pass anyways." - Teacher

They do remember some things... (too bad they forgot about birth control)

"Hey, I got one of those little gene carriers now" - former student I ran into at the hockey game

On Food

"I had a pepperoni log for lunch, I'm pretty sure that counts as all the food groups" - Pete at the hockey game

How Committed Are You?

"Just put it in there, it doesn't matter" - Teacher - writing a test

On Fingers

"I've got large fingers, gentle for you is not gentle for me."

On Birth Control

"No chubba-chubba in the rabbit hutch" - Teacher

Rednecks

"I'm a redneck, I can make anything out of duct tape" - Student

Some rootwords just don't work

"So homologous and analogous structures, what's the difference?" - Student
"Homo means?" - Teacher
"Same" - Student
"So homologous structures are same structures" - Teacher
"And analogous structures..... Ewwww" - Student
"Don't cut that word apart" - Teacher

Ummm.. Not good

"Stop touching my butt" - Student to another student

Disturbing Mental Images

"Its hotter than balls in here" - Student

That's one way of putting it

"We bent those questions over and took them to brown town." - Student

On comebacks

"This hurts my eyes" - Student 1
"You hurt my eyes" - Student 2

When You Know Your Job Is Way Too Close To An Episode Of The Office

"So we need to go through these 15 slides real quick so we can write out our moral purpose and move on" - Teacher/Administrator

Where The Hell Did That Come From

"You just don't want to pull out an electron cloud in the middle of a science meeting or anything" - Teacher

I Just Don't Want To Know

"We have to find a way to not round off the nuts" - Teacher discussing students

Moms again

"Seriously, get off her mom already" - Teacher - after kids have been talking about the same "hot mom" for the past 3 days

And Sometimes They Just Don't Learn

Same kid, 20 minutes later, bugging another girl

"I'm going to shove that plant so far up your ............nose (only because I looked over), that you'll be thinking about plants for the rest of the year" - Student

RUN AWAY!!!

"Boys do lots of stupid things" - Student (female)
"So do girls" - Student (male)
"Like what?" - Student (female) - getting angry
"Do you want a list" - Student (male) - way too quickly

There was an instant coldness and silence that enveloped the entire room as every girl in the room gave him the look of death. I think they might have kicked his ass if I hadn't jumped in and moved class back on topic. I honestly thought I might be calling the nurse to come haul him off to the hospital for testicle retrieval surgery. The girls were absolutely pissed.

On Breaking Up (its not that hard to do)

"I don't want to go there (BYU Idaho)"
"I mean my boyfriend's going there....."
"But that's why I don't want to go there." - Student
"So you're trying to find an excuse to break up" - Teacher
"Shhhhh, I want a hotter boyfriend"
"not that he's not hot"
"I just want hotter" - Student

On The Cause Of The Baby Boom

"The seamen are coming" - Student

On Teenagers

"Are the kids behaving" - Teacher
"Yeah, they're just hormonally imballanced teenagers" - Sub

On Religion and Fitness

"Hurry Up!" - Student 1
"Wait!" - Student 2
"Run!" - Student 1
"I don't run I'm Christian!" - Student 2
"Well I'm Catholic, and I don't got that ass" - Student 1

On Genetics I Really Didn't Need To See

"Is this dominant or recessive?" - Student
"What?" - Me
"This!" - Student
I looked over to see him flexing his pecs to make his moobs dance and jiggle

On Moms

"Your mom is soooo hot" - Student to another student

On Punishments For Dress Code Violations

"I'll just have to take my shirt off" - student

On Being Fat

"I stepped on the scale to weigh in today, and they said 'one at a time please' " - administrator

On Maybe You'll Just Fail Then

"How do you expect me to pass your class if you keep giving me all these assignments? You know I won't do them." - Student

On Pulverizing Things (but it sounded bad out of context)

"It's more fun to do it with a fist" - Teacher

On Please Tell Me You're Not That Stupid

"If I give you Five dollars will you do my math homework from a month ago?" - Student to a Teacher

On Maybe I Should Say Something Else

"Do your work" - Teacher
Student still not working
"you're killing me" - Teacher (frustrated)
"not yet" - Student (jokingly with a huge grin)

On Pregnancy

"Whiskey's for drinking, Water's for fighting" - Teacher
"Oh man, everybody's getting pregnant around here, I'd better drink just the whiskey" - Teacher

On We Really Don't Mean It... Most Of The Time

"I hate kids" - Teacher

On Things Overheard Way Out Of Context

"Take your pants off" - Student (the backstory cleared it up, but still when thats the only thing you hear above a noisy classroom, you get nervous and disturbed)

On Excuses From Late Students

"We all met up in the bathroom.... On accident" - 3 students coming in late

On Huh?

"My pockets hurt" - Student

On random comebacks

"You know what's funny?" - Student 1
"Your face" - Student 2

On genetics..

"I have a tail, you have a tail. Let's do it." - Student 1
"I love that song, it's my ringtone" - Student 2
"What the hell?, that's really a song" - Me (thinking to myself)

"You know you're a hillbilly when your family tree looks like a stick" - Student

On "Holy Shit, Why do I work here?

"Keep your head down today" - Security

On going back to work after vacation

"I was excited to come back to work until I showed up and saw some of the kids I have to teach this morning." - Teacher