The Boys Are Very Interested In Your Random Trivia

"Did you know that your earlobes are straight above your nipples?   I've checked like 40 times and its true." - Student (Female)

Obviously You Are Not One

"You spell genius with a J right?" - Student

Please Can We? Hopefully She Doesn't Pop

"I think _______'s dead.  Can we poke her with a stick?  She's been sitting in that same position at her desk staring at her computer screen all day." - Teacher

Lets Start Working On That McDonald's Application For You

"What do plants make sugar out of? - Teacher


"Carbon dioxide" - Student

"So where does the carbon in sugar come from?" - Teacher

"Ummm, water? - Student

"OK, plants make sugar from CARBON dioxide, where does the carbon in sugar come from?" - Teacher

"Ummm,  the sun?" - Student

After 5 minutes of this he still couldn't answer the question.  I gave up.   

New Term: McGangBang

McGangBang - A Double Decker split in half with a McChicken stuck in the middle of it

As in:   "I'm going to have a McGangBang for lunch" - Student

No We Don't

"So, what are you guys made from?" - Teacher (hoping for the answer to be Carbon)

"Well..  It starts with a V but we really don't want to talk about it" - Student

And Now We Know Why There Was A Huge Pack Of Boys Following

"MISTER!, Some girl just walked by and her nipple was sticking out of her shirt!   Should I go tell her?" - Student (female)

Well Played

"Don't hate biology, just hate the teacher" - Student (Discussing my class)

I Think I Smell An Experiment About To Happen

"How come you can't see your farts when its cold?   You know, like when you breathe out when its cold." - Student

What Really Happens In High School English

"Did you finish your concluding paragraph in english last hour?" -Student 1

"No, I was playing computer games all hour" - Student 2

Then Get Out Of My Classroom!!

"If the office calls, I'm not here." - Student

"Why?" - Teacher

"Because I'm suspended and not supposed to be here." - Student

Is That Even Medically Possible?

"Every time I sneeze, I get a foot cramp" - Student

So True

"Sometimes I feel like telling _______ (the principal) 'If you're running this place, then who's running hell?' " - Teacher

Carbon Is NOT A Molecule!! - This Might Have Something To Do With Your Test Scores

"Then the carbon molecules are broken down into simpler molecules" - Science Teacher

On Reasons For Breaking Up

"My ex-boyfriend was a drag queen.   I was okay with it until he stole my bra." - Student

On Cultural Reactions

"Mazel tov!!" - Student - when another student dropped a beaker on the floor

Teachers Must Be Getting Meaner

"What did you do?" - Teacher

"I broke my finger doing homework" - Student

I Was Going For Taste, But OK

"Can you think of anything that's bitter?" - Teacher

"My Aunt" - Student

Should I Be Afraid?

"You're coming in from Portland right?" - Teacher

"Well, actually I just out of jail after two years, but yeah I'm from Portland" - New Student

And I'm Not Willing To Sell My Soul To Be Like You

"When are you going to step up and lead the _________ team?" - Administrator

"Well, I'm making sure that I keep my priorities straight and don't over commit.  Time at home is more important.   Plus I don't want to burn myself out" - Me

"That's over-rated.  I'm way past burnout" - Administrator

That'll Scar You For Life

"I walked in on my parents twice.   Now I'm not scared of anything" - Student

Not THAT Kind of Twitch

Random student question.

"You know how people twitch when they sleep?" - Student 1

"Like a wet dream?" - Student 2

On Certain Dance Moves

"That's some job training right there." - Teacher watching the dance team perform

And Then She's Just Going To Jump The Border Again?

"I'm leaving to Mexico" - Student

"OK, how come?" - Teacher

"Because my mom got deported.  But I'm only going to stay with her for a month" - Student

"Well...I'm glad you'll be back" - Teacher

"Oh, my mom's only going to be gone for like four months" - Student

And They Wonder Why They Fail

"Did you study" - Teacher

"No" - AP Student

"Why not" - Teacher

"Because I don't study" - AP Student

Have You Been Watching Porn? Who Makes Babies In An Operating Room?

"Pollination happens between two plants, where an egg and a sperm meet.  Once the chemistry starts flowing they swim down the pollination tube to the main operating room where they make baby flowers." - Student answer to question asking them to describe the process of fertilization in flowering plants.

Sweet Music To My Ears

Whoa, that shit looks cool!! - Student as he looked through a microscope at stained cells

So True

"They should be good today, she's young and cute" - Teacher (discussing how her students would behave for the substitute)

That Came Out Wrong

"Plants have hormones just like humans.   They have hormones that make them bloom and make things grow in length" - Teacher (me)

Why?

"So why are you taking a nap in my class today?" - Teacher

"Because I spent all of last night talking to the cops" - Student

On Priorities

"I'd rather go without food, than go without Montana" - Teacher - discussing her weekend plans

On Why American Students Are Falling Behind The Rest Of The World

"I had Mrs. _________  for science .   We didn't learn a damn thing because she just sat on her ass all year."

On Things Students Did This Summer

"I made my own homemade taser" - Student

On Mental Images

"It'll be like me trying to fit into a size Zero dress. It won't fit and won't be pretty but we're going to make it work." - Assistant Principal discussing large class sizes this year

On Things People Admit To Strangers

"I've never taught drunk, but I have taught hung over a few times" - Teacher

Scary.....

"I'VE GOT YOUR BALLS!!!" - teacher as she removed the testes from a fruit fly

New Term: Office Rack

Office Rack -Man boobs that develop as a result of working an office job and getting out of shape.

As in: "Yeah I know, I have an office rack"

Thanks For Giving Me Extra Work

Written on one of my classroom desks

"I had fun in your class. Have a good summer"

On Racist Teachers

"Mr. ________ handed this Asian kid in our class a paperclip and said 'here, make a computer' " - Student

On The Wisdom Of Farmers

"My dad always said you should spend twice as much time fixing something as complaining about it." - Teacher

Best Interview Answer Ever

"How closely are you aligned to the state standards" - Interviewer

"Exactly" - Applicant

On Stereotyping

"You've got to look at the clientele. We're talking about a bunch of Mexican's here." - Teacher

Uhhh....We Don't Have A Cow, We Have A Bull

Answer on a Quiz

Describe the function of each part listed

Testis : to make milk

And They Wonder Why They Fail

Where Are You Going With This Question?

"Mister, is sucking and blowing the same thing?" - Student

What They're Really Feeding You

FINALLY, frogs are in! Apparently they arrived either yesterday or Tuesday and have been in the cafeteria. - email from science teacher

Well Played

"Why are you rubbing her?" - Teacher to female student

"Because she likes it" - random student across the room

Harsh

"I love that song, please don't ruin it for me." - Student to another student who was singing

Teacher Truisms

"But you see, I'm teaching morons" - Teacher 1 (whining)

"Don't we all" - Teacher 2

The SAT Story

"There was this girl sitting next to me at the SAT. She had her shoes off and had a blanket covering her and she was doing inappropriate things for like a half hour during the test." - Student 1

"At least she was quiet" - Student 2

"Not if you were close to her" - Student 1

"Was she still taking the test?" - Student 2

"Yeah, she was still working on the test" - Student 1

"At least she was multi-tasking" - Student 2

This One's A Genius

"Can you get pregnant from doing oral sex?" - Student (female with a 1 year old already)

How Would I Know?

During a video about salmon

"That's how salmon do it?" - Student 1

"Does it feel good?" - Student 2

You Realize The Kid Can Read The Note Too And Now Knows That You Don't Give A _____ About Him

On a note a new student handed me this morning as he came into class.

"Xxxxx is transferring from xxxxxx high school. He is here only for the asparagus season and will not be enrolling this fall. He is not projected to graduate. ................"

Signed

counselor

I'm Speechless

"Please start working" - Teacher to group of students

"They're making fun of my butthole" - Student

HOW?

"Where have we been?" - Teacher

"I got my foot stuck in a vending machine. It really hurt." - Student

Okay Then, Thanks For Sharing

An Email I received today

Subject: Student name and ID number

Hello,

FYI,

He is in jail and will return as soon as he can.

Well Played

"How come boys always have more fun" - Student 1 (female)

"It probably has to do with the Y chromosome" - Teacher

"That's the fun chromosome" - Teacher

"And the STUPID chromosome" - Student 2 (female)

Yes, But You Still Have A Magic Wand

"What did you do!?!?! I mean I know what you did, please don't tell me about it." - Teacher (talking to an obviously pregnant student and her co-conspirator)

"I'm GAY" - Student (male/father) - interjecting before another word can be said

Why, Yes You Do

"Ewww, we look so disgusting inside" - Student

That May Cost You This Evening

"I'm at work, she's not my wife." - Teacher discussing a fellow teacher who actually is his wife.

On The Effects OF Religion

"I have four children.... it was my Catholic period." - Educational consultant

On Reasons For Teaching High School

"I thought of teaching small children, but I found small children generally repugnant" - Educational Consultant

New Term - Cropdusting

Cropdusting = Farting while walking

Example: "I just did some cropdusting back there" - Teacher

Honesty

"I never danced with my butt up on other people like that." - Teacher 1

"I did" - Teacher 2

On Peewee Herman

"He was caught working out in the theater." - Teacher

What Kind Of Friend Are You?

"Do you want the friend truth or the TRUTH" - Student discussing her friend's boyfriend

You Have My Undivided Attention

"My best friend kinda, almost burned down her house the other day." - Student

They Make Those?

Answer on a test.

Question: Discuss methods for reducing energy consumption in transportation.

Answer: Drive cars that don't rely on energy.

Not Something You Want To Hear In The Bathroom

"That was an explosive lunch" - Teacher

Thanks for Sharing

"Can I go to the bathroom? I have to pee like a pregnant woman." - Student

That's Not Good

"Stop touching her innappropriately" - Teacher to student

"I was just showing her what my teacher does" - Student

On Lies We Tell Small Children

"When I was a kid my mom would tell me 'you'll get worms in your butt if you drink too much sugar' ".

On Enticing (Or Repulsing) The Snow Gods

"Do you think if we all got naked and ran around outside it would snow more? - Student

On Mean Subs

"It was like prison without the rape" - Student

That's Not The Image I Had In Mind

"I know that part (of DNA replication) has a V in it because V is for vagina." - Student (female)

On Blood Donation Rules

"Why do they not let you give blood if you're gay?" - Student

"Well, they're screening for certain risk factors" - Teacher

"Like what?" - Student

"Well certain behaviors have a higher risk of fluid contact and potentially transmitting a disease like HIV" - Teacher

"Like taking it up the butt? Why don't they ask girls if they take it up the butt and not let them give blood if they do?" - Student

Embarrasing

On a note addressed to me and discretely held up in class while I was teaching.

"___________, you have a huge booger and its distracting me."

On Slutty Teachers

"I was walking up the stairs and looked up and saw this girl wearing this crazy short skirt and thought 'who would wear that to school' and then it I realized that it was Mrs. __________." - Student 1

"Yeah, she's dressed like a slut today" - Student 2

At Least They Try

"Have a good weekend, and please don't do anything stupid" - Teacher

"And if you do wear a helmet" - Student

No... The Pyramids Just Built Themselves

"I didn't even know people lived in Egypt" - Student

On Religion

"That girl's Mormon? She's too short to be Mormon" - Teacher (Mormon)

"What there's a height requirement now to be a Mormon?" - Student

"Yeah, its just like the rides a Disneyland, you have to be a certain height to get into heaven." - Teacher (Mormon)

On Corrupting Influences

"Driver's licenses and girls, they're the downfall of an empire" - administrator

On Angry Nuns

"That's why I left the church years ago." - Teacher

How Students Hear Teachers

"You were like 'enough about dykes, there's a quiz tomorrow' " - student - on how she hear my transition from human XY disorders to reminding them of the quiz

And If You Want Reproduce... Don't Try This Idea

"If you want to save money, break up before Valentine's and then get back together after Valentine's" - Student (male)

Can You Not See The Teacher In Front Of You?

"That's the one that looks like titties" - Student - discussing mitosis with a friend

Well Played

"Its not working" - Student 1 - discussing a pencil sharpener

"Push it harder" - Teacher

"That's what she said" - Student 2

Thats Not How I Understand Sexual Reproduction

On an essay on a semester final in biology.

"An example (of an organism that reproduces sexually) would be humans. We use other organisms to reproduce.

Must Be Going Through A Boy Hating Phase

Scratch notes on the side of a test next to a question about asexual reproduction.

"Don't need help from someone else - ideal method for woman"

Well Played

"What the heck is that?!?!" - Student 1

"That's what she said" - Student 2

And How Do You Know That?

"For the record, flavored condoms do run out of flavor" - Student

On Teacher's STDs

"I took some pictures of Mrs. ______'s syphilis and gonorrhea on my phone today. They're these cute little stuffed things that tell about the STD on the tag." - Student

On The Male Mind

"You just like her because she wears skimpy skirts and tall boots" - Student 1 (male)

Silence - Student 2 (male)

"And there you go not denying it" - Student 1

That Must Have Been Fun To Watch

"I got suspended for throwing a pencil at this kid (long pause) sorry, PENCILS." - Student

Apparently over 30 pencils were thrown which begs, was the teacher asleep?

Is Your Counselor Even Dumber Than You?

"My counselor wanted me to see if there was any chance I could pass this class" - Student (current grade = 4% 45 absences 2 weeks until the end of the semester)

Good Luck, You Little Bastard

"Oh F###, you work here!" - Freshman Student after treating me like crap for most of a class period because he thought I was a substitute

"Yep, I'm Mr. ___________, and I'll probably be your Biology teacher next year." - Me

You Can't Argue With Evidence

"My dog just got hungry, I guess." - Student

I'm Not Sure I Want To Know

"Do you know what barebacking is?" - Student asking me

They then proceeded to provide me with the definition. Not cool.

On Nerds

"They don't make you any smarter so I stopped eating them" - Student

On Coming To Work To Stay Safe

"Has __(your wife) ____ had her baby yet?" - Me

"No, THAT'S why I'm here" - Staff Member

Uhhh.... And Where Exactly Is That?

"I think boobs would just get in the way" - Student (male)

"Not if know where to put them" - Student (female)

I Didn't KnowThat Was Even Possible

"_______ peed green today" - Student telling me

The student who was being discussed proceeded to walk over to the wall and point out the exact color of her pee on a poster.

On Teaching Your Parent About The TV Guide Channel

"I told her, 'Mom, if it say's adult its PORN, If it says erotic or exotic, its PORN' " - Student

On Words That Sound The Same

"I taught 7th grade my first year and I asked them to write a horror story and I got several whore stories instead" - Teacher

On Personal Creation Stories

"I don't want any stories involving the back seat of a Nova" - Teacher