On Ingenious Motivational Strategies

"When I first came back to work after having my son, I put a picture of him crying up where I could see it at work to remind me to take my time. I sent happy pictures with his dad to make him want to come home early." - Massage Therapist

On sex

"I was watching national geographic last night and saw this disturbing MRI of two people doing it" - Student 1 - male
"Who would sign up for that?" - Student 2 - male
"I would!" - Student 3 - female

You know its going to be a good story when you hear:

"I found this old lady laying in the middle of the street once" - Teacher

Do I Really Look That Bad?

"Seriously, who dressed you this morning?" - student (very emphatically)

And We Wonder Why They Fail Tests

Things I hear as they walk in to take their test test.
"Oh, we have a test today?"
"Oh yeah, we have a test, I forgot to study"
"ABCDABCD"
"What are we doing today?"
"What's the test about?"

Try not to make that a mental image

"Where do peas come from?" - Student 1
"They're leprechaun gonads" - Student 2

Stop Smoking Programs

"You know you're not supposed to be out smoking. If I see you again we're going to have to have this conversation about foot A and butt B." - Teacher
"Next time they light a cigarette, punch them as hard as you can and say that's from (Teacher). Even better, hit them in the throat so they get used to throat pain" - Teacher talking to the non smoker of the groupb

Then Why Do You Do It?

"You'll see them on Monday morning and not want to look them in the eye" - Student refering to the other students at the sadie hawkins dance/grind

Yeah, I Don't Want To Know Either

"I don't even want to know what's happening in the middle of that (the dance cluster), there's probably a condom or something on the floor" - Security

That's An Disturbingly Accurate Description

"There's something disturbing about watching 400 High School kids dry humping" - Teacher

On High School Dances

"I would have never made it into these when I was in High School. Not with the breathalyzer at the door." - Teacher

Did I Really Just Say That?

"Will you stop playing with your nipples! They're not going to conduct electricity." - Teacher during lab

On Showing Up At The Wrong Club

"We didn't go to a gay bar, we just happened to show up on gay night" - Student

Tell Me How You Really Feel

"How about you use evaluate instead of work through. Work through sounds like my marriage." - Teacher

On Touching After Marriage

"After you marry a woman with six kids, who wants to get touched?" - Teacher

On Novel Ways To Use A Textbook

"My students learn through suppository text. You should see the literacy tools we use." - Teacher

That's Comforting

"We're all failing, even though we're using different strategies to achieve failure." - Teacher

New Term

Chi mo - Child Molester
Chi as in tea, mo as in momentum

As in:
"Johnny Depp looked like such a chimo in Willie Wonka" - Student

Wow, That's Not Racist Or Anything

"What do fences and white guys have in common?"
"They're both always getting jumped by mexicans" - Teacher

Tell Me How You Really Feel About Marriage

"When you say those vows, you're signing a death certificate" - Pastor

Yeah, me neither

"How come you don't just give me an A" - Student
"Because I don't want to be going into surgery in 10 years and look up and see you and think 'O shoot, I gave him an A' I want to be able to see you and feel safe knowing that you know your stuff" - Teacher (male)
"Well I'm going to be an OB/GYN and I hope I don't have to see you in my office" - Student 2

Well Played

I had a student messenger come in to my room to deliver a message so I let him make his announcement.
"Please let _______ know that his gay pride parade registration is in for him to pick up in the office" - Student messenger

He bailed immediately and the kid (his friend) went charging after him yelling "I'm going to kill you, you hairy gorilla."

On Rootwords

"Homo means same, so what does homogenized mean? Like in homogenized milk." - Teacher
"You mean milk comes from gay cows!!? - Student