On Things Students Did This Summer

"I made my own homemade taser" - Student

On Mental Images

"It'll be like me trying to fit into a size Zero dress. It won't fit and won't be pretty but we're going to make it work." - Assistant Principal discussing large class sizes this year

On Things People Admit To Strangers

"I've never taught drunk, but I have taught hung over a few times" - Teacher

Scary.....

"I'VE GOT YOUR BALLS!!!" - teacher as she removed the testes from a fruit fly

New Term: Office Rack

Office Rack -Man boobs that develop as a result of working an office job and getting out of shape.

As in: "Yeah I know, I have an office rack"

Thanks For Giving Me Extra Work

Written on one of my classroom desks

"I had fun in your class. Have a good summer"

On Racist Teachers

"Mr. ________ handed this Asian kid in our class a paperclip and said 'here, make a computer' " - Student

On The Wisdom Of Farmers

"My dad always said you should spend twice as much time fixing something as complaining about it." - Teacher

Best Interview Answer Ever

"How closely are you aligned to the state standards" - Interviewer

"Exactly" - Applicant

On Stereotyping

"You've got to look at the clientele. We're talking about a bunch of Mexican's here." - Teacher

Uhhh....We Don't Have A Cow, We Have A Bull

Answer on a Quiz

Describe the function of each part listed

Testis : to make milk

And They Wonder Why They Fail

Where Are You Going With This Question?

"Mister, is sucking and blowing the same thing?" - Student

What They're Really Feeding You

FINALLY, frogs are in! Apparently they arrived either yesterday or Tuesday and have been in the cafeteria. - email from science teacher

Well Played

"Why are you rubbing her?" - Teacher to female student

"Because she likes it" - random student across the room

Harsh

"I love that song, please don't ruin it for me." - Student to another student who was singing

Teacher Truisms

"But you see, I'm teaching morons" - Teacher 1 (whining)

"Don't we all" - Teacher 2

The SAT Story

"There was this girl sitting next to me at the SAT. She had her shoes off and had a blanket covering her and she was doing inappropriate things for like a half hour during the test." - Student 1

"At least she was quiet" - Student 2

"Not if you were close to her" - Student 1

"Was she still taking the test?" - Student 2

"Yeah, she was still working on the test" - Student 1

"At least she was multi-tasking" - Student 2

This One's A Genius

"Can you get pregnant from doing oral sex?" - Student (female with a 1 year old already)

How Would I Know?

During a video about salmon

"That's how salmon do it?" - Student 1

"Does it feel good?" - Student 2

You Realize The Kid Can Read The Note Too And Now Knows That You Don't Give A _____ About Him

On a note a new student handed me this morning as he came into class.

"Xxxxx is transferring from xxxxxx high school. He is here only for the asparagus season and will not be enrolling this fall. He is not projected to graduate. ................"

Signed

counselor

I'm Speechless

"Please start working" - Teacher to group of students

"They're making fun of my butthole" - Student

HOW?

"Where have we been?" - Teacher

"I got my foot stuck in a vending machine. It really hurt." - Student

Okay Then, Thanks For Sharing

An Email I received today

Subject: Student name and ID number

Hello,

FYI,

He is in jail and will return as soon as he can.

Well Played

"How come boys always have more fun" - Student 1 (female)

"It probably has to do with the Y chromosome" - Teacher

"That's the fun chromosome" - Teacher

"And the STUPID chromosome" - Student 2 (female)

Yes, But You Still Have A Magic Wand

"What did you do!?!?! I mean I know what you did, please don't tell me about it." - Teacher (talking to an obviously pregnant student and her co-conspirator)

"I'm GAY" - Student (male/father) - interjecting before another word can be said

Why, Yes You Do

"Ewww, we look so disgusting inside" - Student

That May Cost You This Evening

"I'm at work, she's not my wife." - Teacher discussing a fellow teacher who actually is his wife.

On The Effects OF Religion

"I have four children.... it was my Catholic period." - Educational consultant

On Reasons For Teaching High School

"I thought of teaching small children, but I found small children generally repugnant" - Educational Consultant