On Lies We Tell Small Children

"When I was a kid my mom would tell me 'you'll get worms in your butt if you drink too much sugar' ".

On Enticing (Or Repulsing) The Snow Gods

"Do you think if we all got naked and ran around outside it would snow more? - Student

On Mean Subs

"It was like prison without the rape" - Student

That's Not The Image I Had In Mind

"I know that part (of DNA replication) has a V in it because V is for vagina." - Student (female)

On Blood Donation Rules

"Why do they not let you give blood if you're gay?" - Student

"Well, they're screening for certain risk factors" - Teacher

"Like what?" - Student

"Well certain behaviors have a higher risk of fluid contact and potentially transmitting a disease like HIV" - Teacher

"Like taking it up the butt? Why don't they ask girls if they take it up the butt and not let them give blood if they do?" - Student

Embarrasing

On a note addressed to me and discretely held up in class while I was teaching.

"___________, you have a huge booger and its distracting me."

On Slutty Teachers

"I was walking up the stairs and looked up and saw this girl wearing this crazy short skirt and thought 'who would wear that to school' and then it I realized that it was Mrs. __________." - Student 1

"Yeah, she's dressed like a slut today" - Student 2

At Least They Try

"Have a good weekend, and please don't do anything stupid" - Teacher

"And if you do wear a helmet" - Student

No... The Pyramids Just Built Themselves

"I didn't even know people lived in Egypt" - Student

On Religion

"That girl's Mormon? She's too short to be Mormon" - Teacher (Mormon)

"What there's a height requirement now to be a Mormon?" - Student

"Yeah, its just like the rides a Disneyland, you have to be a certain height to get into heaven." - Teacher (Mormon)

On Corrupting Influences

"Driver's licenses and girls, they're the downfall of an empire" - administrator

On Angry Nuns

"That's why I left the church years ago." - Teacher

How Students Hear Teachers

"You were like 'enough about dykes, there's a quiz tomorrow' " - student - on how she hear my transition from human XY disorders to reminding them of the quiz

And If You Want Reproduce... Don't Try This Idea

"If you want to save money, break up before Valentine's and then get back together after Valentine's" - Student (male)

Can You Not See The Teacher In Front Of You?

"That's the one that looks like titties" - Student - discussing mitosis with a friend

Well Played

"Its not working" - Student 1 - discussing a pencil sharpener

"Push it harder" - Teacher

"That's what she said" - Student 2

Thats Not How I Understand Sexual Reproduction

On an essay on a semester final in biology.

"An example (of an organism that reproduces sexually) would be humans. We use other organisms to reproduce.

Must Be Going Through A Boy Hating Phase

Scratch notes on the side of a test next to a question about asexual reproduction.

"Don't need help from someone else - ideal method for woman"

Well Played

"What the heck is that?!?!" - Student 1

"That's what she said" - Student 2

And How Do You Know That?

"For the record, flavored condoms do run out of flavor" - Student

On Teacher's STDs

"I took some pictures of Mrs. ______'s syphilis and gonorrhea on my phone today. They're these cute little stuffed things that tell about the STD on the tag." - Student

On The Male Mind

"You just like her because she wears skimpy skirts and tall boots" - Student 1 (male)

Silence - Student 2 (male)

"And there you go not denying it" - Student 1

That Must Have Been Fun To Watch

"I got suspended for throwing a pencil at this kid (long pause) sorry, PENCILS." - Student

Apparently over 30 pencils were thrown which begs, was the teacher asleep?

Is Your Counselor Even Dumber Than You?

"My counselor wanted me to see if there was any chance I could pass this class" - Student (current grade = 4% 45 absences 2 weeks until the end of the semester)

Good Luck, You Little Bastard

"Oh F###, you work here!" - Freshman Student after treating me like crap for most of a class period because he thought I was a substitute

"Yep, I'm Mr. ___________, and I'll probably be your Biology teacher next year." - Me

You Can't Argue With Evidence

"My dog just got hungry, I guess." - Student

I'm Not Sure I Want To Know

"Do you know what barebacking is?" - Student asking me

They then proceeded to provide me with the definition. Not cool.

On Nerds

"They don't make you any smarter so I stopped eating them" - Student

On Coming To Work To Stay Safe

"Has __(your wife) ____ had her baby yet?" - Me

"No, THAT'S why I'm here" - Staff Member

Uhhh.... And Where Exactly Is That?

"I think boobs would just get in the way" - Student (male)

"Not if know where to put them" - Student (female)