On Things Girls Are Better At Than Boys

"They have to have men and women in separate categories for curling in the Olympics because women are better at sweeping than men." - Student

How Could It Not Go Up?

"A 13 %!! Awesome, it went up!" - Student on seeing his new grade

On Risk/Reward Calculations

"Hey, go in there for me" - Student 1 (asking her friend to go into a class in session and get something)

"No, there's no hot guys in there" - Student 2

On Watching Your Mother Give Birth

"I told her 'Mom, I've spent too much time staring at your vagina' " - Student

As I Feel My Stomach Sink To My Feet

"Would you be happy or sad if you found out you were pregnant as a high school student?" - Student

Meanwhile The Teenage Boy In The Discussion Is Trying To Not Look Too Interested

"My friend walked out of her classroom and there were two girls just full on making out." - Student 1 (female)

"Uggh, that's disgusting. I think I'd have to go take a shower after that" - Student 2 (female)

I'm Not Looking Forward To Getting Old Either

"Why is it that when you get old you have to get a prostate exam? And why do they have to test for it like that? It's just wrong." - Student

On Being A Cheerleader In Uniform

"It's kind of like walking around school in your underwear" - Student

On the Wisdom Of Teenage Boys

"Do you think we'd get in trouble if we brought blow up dolls instead of beach balls to graduation? We'd paint the parts purple and white." - Student

Make Sure Your Sister Doesn't Rat You Out

"Hey _______ your mom called to excuse your brother's absence yesterday. She said he had diarrhea." - Teacher
"He didn't have diarrhea. He got a ticket. He went home to get his money so he could pay it off before my parents found out and my mom caught him at home and so he lied to her so he wouldn't get in trouble" - Student

Thanks For Checking

Phone conversation from earlier this morning

"Hello" - Teacher

"Hello, this is ________'s mom. Is he there today?" - Parent (incredibly thick Asian accent)

"He was, class is over so he's already gone. Can I transfer you to his next teacher?" - Teacher

"No. I just checking to see if he in class today" - Parent

"Thank you. Yes, he was here." - Teacher

"Okay, good. Yesterday he come home early because he get the diarrhea. I just checking to make sure he no have it anymore." - Parent

I'm Glad You Finished That Question

"When was your first time.........(3 or 4 second pause)... hung over?" - Student asking me

And I'm Supposed To Care?

"I hate you" - Student - angrily as she walked out the door

Why Did She Have Her Sandwich In The Bathroom?

"Ask ______ about her sandwich. When we were in 8th grade she accidentally left it in the bathroom. It was all wrapped in foil and some other kid wrote bomb on it so they evacuated the whole school and we had to stand out in the freezing cold for like three hours while the brought the bomb squad in and took it out." - Student

Maybe I Should Look At Who I'm Talking To Before I Answer

"Can I go to the bathroom?" - Student (about 7 months pregnant)

"Can you wait?" - Teacher

And How Do You Know That?

"Potassium looks like cocaine" - Student

No... You're A Moron With A Head Injury

"It's OK, I'm a gymnast" - Student - after landing headfirst on concrete after failing an attempted backflip

Did She Go To A Witch Doctor?

"My sister went to some doctor because she has all these allergies. To test to see if she was allergic to cats he had her hold cat hair in her hand and hold out her arm while he tried to push her arm down. He said that because she couldn't hold up her arm with the cat hair in her hand but could hold up the arm without cat hair that she was allergic to cats." - Student

Stomping On My Foot Keep From Laughing

"We missed you" - Teacher (she'd been absent at least a week)
"Yeah, sorry"
"I would have been there yesterday but my chicken died"
"I had to go home early because I was sad" - Student
"Okay" - Teacher (struggling to not smile or sound incredulous)
"Yeah, it was my favorite pet chicken" - Student
"Well, I'll see you in class" - Teacher

WTF? - Are You An IDIOT?/Why The Hell Are You Calling Your Kid In The Middle Of Class?!

This was in the middle of a lecture in class with a kid less than six feet from me.

"Hello" - Student
"Really?!, HANG UP YOUR PHONE" - Teacher
"But its my mom" - Student
"HANG UP THE PHONE" - Teacher
"But my mom's calling me" - Student
"I don't care, hang it up" - Teacher
"But she'll be mad if I don't answer" - Student
"GET OUT" - Teacher

At Least She's Honest

"We missed you yesterday" - Teacher

"Yeah, I was acting sick" - Student

On Priorities

"My sister fell down in the snow this morning and said 'ow, my phone' " - Student

And You're Selling It At An Adult Store?

"We're making a robot that can be switched to either male or female. It's going to be an awesome toy" - Student

On Marketing Lies

"Big macs are total lies. There's nothing big about them." - Student

Please Lay Off The Reefer, Genius

"I only counted 44 states" - Student

"You counted every single one?" - Teacher

"Oh, Alaska's a state?" - Student

On Being Caught In The Act

"Welcome back, its been a while" - Teacher (to a student who has been gone for at least 3 weeks)

"They kind of made me come back, they came to my house and got me" - Student

"So they woke you up and drug you out of bed?" - Teacher

"Well..., I wasn't exactly sleeping, in bed" - Student

I'll Keep That In Mind

"I'm not allowed to cook anymore because I kind of burned down someone's house last summer" - Student

Thanks For Starting My Day On A Positive Note

"I've come to the conclusion that teaching is a failure driven career. No matter what I do I'll never be good enough." - Teacher

On The Effects Of Non-academic College Activities

"Can you let me into my room I locked my keys in there" - Teacher 1

"And that's what we call brain damage." - Teacher 2

"Yeah, too much hops and bong resin" - Teacher 1

Since When Did High Five = Gay?

"Let's be gayer than a rainbow and give each other a high five." - Student to another student