New Term: Mexican Hamburger

Mexican Hamburger: A slab of meat with ketchup on it between two slices of bread.

That's Never A Good Thing

"You were in a nightmare I had last night" - Student to me

Class Would Be Less Disturbing If You Paid Attention

On Last Friday's Quiz

Question: Give Two Examples of Analogous Structures.

Answer: "its somin that has anal or anal sex to have there babys"

That's Embarrassing

"I failed my driving test this weekend because I crashed into a bush." - Student

And I'm Supposed To Believe You?

"Why did you miss class (from 1:30 - 2:30) on Friday?" - Teacher

"I slept in and missed my alarm." - Student

AWKWARD - Please Go Ask Your Mother Next Time

"Can you settle a bet for us? Where does it come out when you pee? Does it come out the ummm..... opening? Or does it come out in front?" - Three girls who stayed after class just to ask their question.

Hookt On Phonix

On an AP assignment that was handed in last week.
"Our Aunt Sisters shot all the bison"

Aunt Sisters vs. Ancestors

Remind Me To Stay Away From You

"You know girls can be serial killers too" - Student (female) with teardrop sized heart tattoos beside her eye

Teenage Boys and Boobs

"This kid in the lunch room was measuring people's boobs" - Student

2 minutes later

"Then he felt his own boobs and said 'I have the best one's here'" - Student

What Teenage Boys Think About

Answer on a quiz

Q: What is Artificial Selection

A: "When a regular guy can get with a model"

I Didn't Realize It Was That Vicious

"You'd better sleep with one eye open tonight." - Student as she handed in her test

One Of Life's Great Mysteries

"Which is meaner? Butt-licker or Ass-wipe. - Student

I Don't Think I Was Supposed To Hear That

"Just wear cute underwear on lab days." - student (female) whispering to her friend after learning that any contaminated clothing items must be removed when using the emergency safety shower.

Wow, That Makes This Job Look Good

"That's why I got the $40,000 if you get shot insurance policy. Its like a million if you actually die." - New Teacher discussing the danger level at his previous school

You Might Be A Redneck If....

"I've achieved my life's goal. I now live in a town that has pizza delivery." - New teacher from Oklahoma on moving to the cities

On How Circumcisions Are Done

"Well, that's pretty much the nuts and bolts of it." - My son's pediatrician, after describing the details of the circumcision procedure

I Really Hope You're Joking

"I just printed it, so it should be good." - the guy buying my exercise bike off craigslist as he hands me a 100 dollar bill.

On STD's and Sex - Did I Really Just Say That?

"The smartest thing to do is just stay out of the pool, but if you're going to jump in then at least wear a floatie." - Teacher

No, I'm A Teacher, I Don't Know How To Do That

"Do you know how to get on the computer and go on google and look something up?" - Teacher's aide asking me

What Lies Beneath

"I'm not wearing anything under my robe. Just Socks" - Student 1 (male)
"I'm wearing my bright pink bathing suit, and if it rains...." - Student 2 (female) - discussing their graduation attire

On Hugh Heffner

"I just can't see sitting down with him and discussing the 'Tale of Two Cities' - Teacher 1 (female) - on why she didn't find Hugh Heffner attractive
"Yeah, but I can see him discussing the tail in two cities - Teacher 2 (male)

Disturbing

"Give a man a match he'll be warm for a minute... but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Student - written on his final exam

I Guess That Works

"I brought you a McGriddles because I knew you'd be mad at me" - Student as he arrived 30 minutes late to my class.

That Was Random

"Do you have any hand sanitizer? My nose ring stinks." - Student

Stupid Subs

This is the note I got from my last sub. Obviously not a good one as she couldn't spell or use grammar.

Well Played

"What is quick and dirty?" - Student 1
"Your mom" - Student 2

On People Who Greet Overly Affectionately

"I'm pretty sure I went to third base with my administrator" - Teacher (female) discussing chaperoning a school dance with another administrator (female) who had a tendency to hug and kiss at every greeting

That Would Be One Way To Get Fired

"You should just let me take my clothes off and shower over there" - Student -referring to the safety shower in my classroom

First Puker of the Dissection Season

"I'm going to go throw up now" (very calmly, like it was no big deal) - One of the biggest, toughest sophomore boys during day 3 of the pig dissection. To his credit he did come back and keep on working like nothing ever happened.

Don't Mess With Karma

"I paid her $20 to write my essay. Then she calls me last night at like ten and says 'sorry, I didn't get to it so you're going to have to write it yourself.' " - Student whining to a friend about having to stay up late to write an essay