On How Circumcisions Are Done

"Well, that's pretty much the nuts and bolts of it." - My son's pediatrician, after describing the details of the circumcision procedure

I Really Hope You're Joking

"I just printed it, so it should be good." - the guy buying my exercise bike off craigslist as he hands me a 100 dollar bill.

On STD's and Sex - Did I Really Just Say That?

"The smartest thing to do is just stay out of the pool, but if you're going to jump in then at least wear a floatie." - Teacher

No, I'm A Teacher, I Don't Know How To Do That

"Do you know how to get on the computer and go on google and look something up?" - Teacher's aide asking me

What Lies Beneath

"I'm not wearing anything under my robe. Just Socks" - Student 1 (male)
"I'm wearing my bright pink bathing suit, and if it rains...." - Student 2 (female) - discussing their graduation attire

On Hugh Heffner

"I just can't see sitting down with him and discussing the 'Tale of Two Cities' - Teacher 1 (female) - on why she didn't find Hugh Heffner attractive
"Yeah, but I can see him discussing the tail in two cities - Teacher 2 (male)

Disturbing

"Give a man a match he'll be warm for a minute... but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Student - written on his final exam

I Guess That Works

"I brought you a McGriddles because I knew you'd be mad at me" - Student as he arrived 30 minutes late to my class.

That Was Random

"Do you have any hand sanitizer? My nose ring stinks." - Student

Stupid Subs

This is the note I got from my last sub. Obviously not a good one as she couldn't spell or use grammar.

Well Played

"What is quick and dirty?" - Student 1
"Your mom" - Student 2

On People Who Greet Overly Affectionately

"I'm pretty sure I went to third base with my administrator" - Teacher (female) discussing chaperoning a school dance with another administrator (female) who had a tendency to hug and kiss at every greeting

That Would Be One Way To Get Fired

"You should just let me take my clothes off and shower over there" - Student -referring to the safety shower in my classroom

First Puker of the Dissection Season

"I'm going to go throw up now" (very calmly, like it was no big deal) - One of the biggest, toughest sophomore boys during day 3 of the pig dissection. To his credit he did come back and keep on working like nothing ever happened.

Don't Mess With Karma

"I paid her $20 to write my essay. Then she calls me last night at like ten and says 'sorry, I didn't get to it so you're going to have to write it yourself.' " - Student whining to a friend about having to stay up late to write an essay

Backstory?

"Call 911, we just lost the Viagara" - Random kid walking by my classroom

Please Tell Me You're Not Talking About A Body

"Just throw it in the river, they'll never find it." - Student

Good to know

"Mom, I don't like sexy transvestites" - Student discussing movie suggestions

He Really Thought That Was What It Meant

"Isn't Oaxaca Spanish for short, stumpy Mexican?" - Student

No, It Was Probably Worse

"Watching birth is disturbing. I even watched the video of me being born and that wasn't any better." - Student

Not Sure How That's Any Different

"I'd never fight another girl over a boy." - Student 1 (female)
"I'd just hit her with my truck" - Student 2 (female)

The Kind Of Deep Thinking High School Seniors Are Capable Of

"Do fat animals feel bad about themselves, or do they just learn to live with it?" - Student

On Titty Twister Rules

"You're supposed to let go when they whistle" - Student

Way To Pick On The White Kid For Not Learning Your Language

"What language class are you taking? - Principal
"American Sign Language" - Student
"That's not a real language. You should be taking something important like Spanish" - Principal

Well Played

Ewww, you're putting your finger in that? - Student 1
That's not the only thing he's put his finger in. - Student 2

I'd Rather Gouge My Eyes Out

"My little brother had pink eye and my mom put breast milk in it and its gone. She does it for me too. Those Mexican remedies really work." - Sophmore

Why Do We Try?

Written on the board: 15 meters
Student Questions: "Why is feet spelled so weird?"

So True

"All its are going to do is give us an extra slosh or two around the bowl." - Teacher on administration's attempts to "reform" the school so we aren't taken over by the state for our epic failures (less than 50% graduation rate).

On Stretching

"So what we want to do is stretch it out" - Teacher
"That's what she said" - Student

I Wish I Was Making This One Up - It Must Be Breeding Season

"I have an innie, you have an outie, lets hang out." - Student to another student