Stupid Subs

This is the note I got from my last sub. Obviously not a good one as she couldn't spell or use grammar.

Well Played

"What is quick and dirty?" - Student 1
"Your mom" - Student 2

On People Who Greet Overly Affectionately

"I'm pretty sure I went to third base with my administrator" - Teacher (female) discussing chaperoning a school dance with another administrator (female) who had a tendency to hug and kiss at every greeting

That Would Be One Way To Get Fired

"You should just let me take my clothes off and shower over there" - Student -referring to the safety shower in my classroom

First Puker of the Dissection Season

"I'm going to go throw up now" (very calmly, like it was no big deal) - One of the biggest, toughest sophomore boys during day 3 of the pig dissection. To his credit he did come back and keep on working like nothing ever happened.

Don't Mess With Karma

"I paid her $20 to write my essay. Then she calls me last night at like ten and says 'sorry, I didn't get to it so you're going to have to write it yourself.' " - Student whining to a friend about having to stay up late to write an essay

Backstory?

"Call 911, we just lost the Viagara" - Random kid walking by my classroom

Please Tell Me You're Not Talking About A Body

"Just throw it in the river, they'll never find it." - Student

Good to know

"Mom, I don't like sexy transvestites" - Student discussing movie suggestions

He Really Thought That Was What It Meant

"Isn't Oaxaca Spanish for short, stumpy Mexican?" - Student

No, It Was Probably Worse

"Watching birth is disturbing. I even watched the video of me being born and that wasn't any better." - Student

Not Sure How That's Any Different

"I'd never fight another girl over a boy." - Student 1 (female)
"I'd just hit her with my truck" - Student 2 (female)

The Kind Of Deep Thinking High School Seniors Are Capable Of

"Do fat animals feel bad about themselves, or do they just learn to live with it?" - Student

On Titty Twister Rules

"You're supposed to let go when they whistle" - Student

Way To Pick On The White Kid For Not Learning Your Language

"What language class are you taking? - Principal
"American Sign Language" - Student
"That's not a real language. You should be taking something important like Spanish" - Principal

Well Played

Ewww, you're putting your finger in that? - Student 1
That's not the only thing he's put his finger in. - Student 2

I'd Rather Gouge My Eyes Out

"My little brother had pink eye and my mom put breast milk in it and its gone. She does it for me too. Those Mexican remedies really work." - Sophmore

Why Do We Try?

Written on the board: 15 meters
Student Questions: "Why is feet spelled so weird?"

So True

"All its are going to do is give us an extra slosh or two around the bowl." - Teacher on administration's attempts to "reform" the school so we aren't taken over by the state for our epic failures (less than 50% graduation rate).

On Stretching

"So what we want to do is stretch it out" - Teacher
"That's what she said" - Student

I Wish I Was Making This One Up - It Must Be Breeding Season

"I have an innie, you have an outie, lets hang out." - Student to another student

On The Gulf Coast Oil Spill

"Did you hear we have a new petroleum reserve? Its called the Gulf Coast." - Student

On Keeping High Schoolers From Breeding

"I don't know if you realize the commitment to breeding that some of these kids have." - Teacher

That Sounds Promising

Things heard before AP Calculus exam

"I'll race you"
"Can we cry now?"
"Is it OK to cry during the test"

I'm Pretty Sure They Aren't That Lovely

From An Assignment on the Digestive System

Questions: How does gas travel to the anus?
Student Answer: Through some very lovely pipes.

Where do I work?

"Is blood good for plants? The grass grew really good in my yard where they shot that guy." - Student

The Gnome Story

As told to me by a coworker. She swears its a true story that happened to one of coworkers at the jewelry store she works at part time.

Her coworker's kid called the store all excited one day telling her "Mama, Mama, come home, come see what I got!" She told him "I'm working, show me when I get home". He kept calling back with the same message "Mama, Mama, come home, come see what I got!" just as excited each time. Finally, she figured she should go home and check it out so she got her manager to cover for her and went home. Her son is waiting at the door for her all excited and the first words out of his mouth are "Mama, I caught a gnome!" He proceeds to take her to his room where he has barricaded his closet door with his bed and desk. When they unbarricade and open the door she finds a midget in there. Apparently her son had opened the door to a missionary and decided that the missionary was a gnome and decided to catch him by locking him in his closet.

New term - MOA

MOA - Mother of all Assholes

As in:
"He's a total MOA."

Electron Acceptor = Whore?

"Chlorine is the whore of chemistry" - student

Your Mom Has What

"My mom has little crabs" - Student