I'm Pretty Sure They Aren't That Lovely

From An Assignment on the Digestive System

Questions: How does gas travel to the anus?
Student Answer: Through some very lovely pipes.

Where do I work?

"Is blood good for plants? The grass grew really good in my yard where they shot that guy." - Student

The Gnome Story

As told to me by a coworker. She swears its a true story that happened to one of coworkers at the jewelry store she works at part time.

Her coworker's kid called the store all excited one day telling her "Mama, Mama, come home, come see what I got!" She told him "I'm working, show me when I get home". He kept calling back with the same message "Mama, Mama, come home, come see what I got!" just as excited each time. Finally, she figured she should go home and check it out so she got her manager to cover for her and went home. Her son is waiting at the door for her all excited and the first words out of his mouth are "Mama, I caught a gnome!" He proceeds to take her to his room where he has barricaded his closet door with his bed and desk. When they unbarricade and open the door she finds a midget in there. Apparently her son had opened the door to a missionary and decided that the missionary was a gnome and decided to catch him by locking him in his closet.

New term - MOA

MOA - Mother of all Assholes

As in:
"He's a total MOA."

Electron Acceptor = Whore?

"Chlorine is the whore of chemistry" - student

Your Mom Has What

"My mom has little crabs" - Student

Well Played

"Why are you stupid enough to smoke weed?" - Teacher
"Why are you stupid enought be a teacher?" - Student

On Weed

"I just stick it in my boobs. They only make you pull out your bra and see if anything falls." - Student

Its a tricky language

"When I was in the 2nd grade I used cooch instead of couch. 'The cooch is purple' (pretending to read like a little kid) " - Student

On A Particularly Dumb Student's Chances Of Sucess

"She'd better marry rich" - Teacher

I'm sorry I asked

"Where's ________?" - Teacher
"She has a rash." - Student

Solar system review

"And then the sun reflects off of uranus" - Student

How do you answer that one?

"Will there be weed in heaven? You know, because its natural." - Kid in my youthgroup

Now I'm disturbed

"Have you ever had this weird dream about one of your teachers, and then when you go to school the next day you can't even look at them?" - kid in my youthgroup

Not the best strategy

"When I was a kid I used to eat ants to impress the girls." - Student

It was all I could do to keep a straight face

"You're late. But at least you're here, your sister never made it last hour." - Teacher
"What a vagina!" - Student

New Term: Corndog

Corndog - to knee/kick/poke someone else in the butthole region.

As in:
"Stop kicking her" - Teacher
" I wasn't, I was giving her a corndog" - Student

I think I would have cracked up laughing

B_________ is in the principal's office for mooning Mrs. A_______. He was showing her his aloha tattoo. - Student

Glad to see he's making good decisions

"So where are you headed after graduation?" - teacher
"California" - Student 1
"What's so good about California?" - teacher
"the view" - Student 1
"In the bedroom" - Student 2

On Ingenious Motivational Strategies

"When I first came back to work after having my son, I put a picture of him crying up where I could see it at work to remind me to take my time. I sent happy pictures with his dad to make him want to come home early." - Massage Therapist

On sex

"I was watching national geographic last night and saw this disturbing MRI of two people doing it" - Student 1 - male
"Who would sign up for that?" - Student 2 - male
"I would!" - Student 3 - female

You know its going to be a good story when you hear:

"I found this old lady laying in the middle of the street once" - Teacher

Do I Really Look That Bad?

"Seriously, who dressed you this morning?" - student (very emphatically)

And We Wonder Why They Fail Tests

Things I hear as they walk in to take their test test.
"Oh, we have a test today?"
"Oh yeah, we have a test, I forgot to study"
"ABCDABCD"
"What are we doing today?"
"What's the test about?"

Try not to make that a mental image

"Where do peas come from?" - Student 1
"They're leprechaun gonads" - Student 2

Stop Smoking Programs

"You know you're not supposed to be out smoking. If I see you again we're going to have to have this conversation about foot A and butt B." - Teacher
"Next time they light a cigarette, punch them as hard as you can and say that's from (Teacher). Even better, hit them in the throat so they get used to throat pain" - Teacher talking to the non smoker of the groupb

Then Why Do You Do It?

"You'll see them on Monday morning and not want to look them in the eye" - Student refering to the other students at the sadie hawkins dance/grind

Yeah, I Don't Want To Know Either

"I don't even want to know what's happening in the middle of that (the dance cluster), there's probably a condom or something on the floor" - Security

That's An Disturbingly Accurate Description

"There's something disturbing about watching 400 High School kids dry humping" - Teacher

On High School Dances

"I would have never made it into these when I was in High School. Not with the breathalyzer at the door." - Teacher