Irony

"I was just telling your sister that when I retire I'm going to borrow a shotgun, get a bunch of alarm clocks, and have a party. And then your mother buys me an alarm clock for my birthday" - My dad

I didn't need to see that (and did I really say that?)

"Ok, what is so distracting" - Teacher
"Just some pictures" - Student 1
"Put it away" - Teacher
"You want to see them?" - Student 1
"It's native porn" - Student 2 (national geographic pictures)
"Uh" - Teacher
"See" - Student 1
"Just put them away" - Teacher
"Look" - Student 1
"Gravity is a harsh mistress" - Teacher

On The Unwritten Code

"I got a bathroom win. There was a kid in the middle urinal and I came in to the urinal right next to him and he left without peeing." - Student

On Life Goals

"I want to torture kids..... I want to be a dentist" - Student

At Least He's Honest

"I think with two places" - Student (and then he proceeded to point)

Clean Your Ears

"In metaphase the sister chromatids line up at the equator" - Teacher
"Sister chromaTITS?" - Student

I guess thats a decent reason

"You should switch into my class" - Student 1
"I can't because there's a hot guy in my 3rd hour" - Student 2

Can You NOT See The Teacher In Front Of You?

"French porn, that's what I have stuck in my head" - student walking down the hall behind me

Did I Really Say That?

"Your parents did something that you don't want to think about, and they made a cell" - Teacher

On Wanting A New Job

"I'm like a rat on a sinking ship, I'm looking for any exit" - Teacher

You Do What?

"Its just so cool to whip it out and say 'look what I have' " - Student discussing an ipod touch

Just Stop Right There

"So what do we do here?" - Teacher
"Well... Step One, you get a box" - Student
"NOOOO, We are NOT going there" - Teacher

That only made it worse

"What are you doing to him?" - Teacher (student was over halfway under the desk of the boy across from her)
"The question is, what is he DOING to me?" - student (female)

EWWWW

"I thought he was like 40 and cute and then I figured out he was like 70 or something." - Student discussing a substitute teacher

On Valentines

"I almost killed a kid with my roses last year." - Student

Hey, Moron, you can't say that to a kid!!

"I don't know why I'm giving you this test. It's not like you're going to pass anyways." - Teacher

They do remember some things... (too bad they forgot about birth control)

"Hey, I got one of those little gene carriers now" - former student I ran into at the hockey game

On Food

"I had a pepperoni log for lunch, I'm pretty sure that counts as all the food groups" - Pete at the hockey game

How Committed Are You?

"Just put it in there, it doesn't matter" - Teacher - writing a test

On Fingers

"I've got large fingers, gentle for you is not gentle for me."

On Birth Control

"No chubba-chubba in the rabbit hutch" - Teacher

Rednecks

"I'm a redneck, I can make anything out of duct tape" - Student

Some rootwords just don't work

"So homologous and analogous structures, what's the difference?" - Student
"Homo means?" - Teacher
"Same" - Student
"So homologous structures are same structures" - Teacher
"And analogous structures..... Ewwww" - Student
"Don't cut that word apart" - Teacher

Ummm.. Not good

"Stop touching my butt" - Student to another student

Disturbing Mental Images

"Its hotter than balls in here" - Student

That's one way of putting it

"We bent those questions over and took them to brown town." - Student

On comebacks

"This hurts my eyes" - Student 1
"You hurt my eyes" - Student 2

When You Know Your Job Is Way Too Close To An Episode Of The Office

"So we need to go through these 15 slides real quick so we can write out our moral purpose and move on" - Teacher/Administrator

Where The Hell Did That Come From

"You just don't want to pull out an electron cloud in the middle of a science meeting or anything" - Teacher

I Just Don't Want To Know

"We have to find a way to not round off the nuts" - Teacher discussing students