And They Wonder Why They Fail

"Did you study" - Teacher

"No" - AP Student

"Why not" - Teacher

"Because I don't study" - AP Student

Have You Been Watching Porn? Who Makes Babies In An Operating Room?

"Pollination happens between two plants, where an egg and a sperm meet.  Once the chemistry starts flowing they swim down the pollination tube to the main operating room where they make baby flowers." - Student answer to question asking them to describe the process of fertilization in flowering plants.

Sweet Music To My Ears

Whoa, that shit looks cool!! - Student as he looked through a microscope at stained cells

So True

"They should be good today, she's young and cute" - Teacher (discussing how her students would behave for the substitute)

That Came Out Wrong

"Plants have hormones just like humans.   They have hormones that make them bloom and make things grow in length" - Teacher (me)

Why?

"So why are you taking a nap in my class today?" - Teacher

"Because I spent all of last night talking to the cops" - Student

On Priorities

"I'd rather go without food, than go without Montana" - Teacher - discussing her weekend plans

On Why American Students Are Falling Behind The Rest Of The World

"I had Mrs. _________  for science .   We didn't learn a damn thing because she just sat on her ass all year."

On Things Students Did This Summer

"I made my own homemade taser" - Student

On Mental Images

"It'll be like me trying to fit into a size Zero dress. It won't fit and won't be pretty but we're going to make it work." - Assistant Principal discussing large class sizes this year

On Things People Admit To Strangers

"I've never taught drunk, but I have taught hung over a few times" - Teacher

Scary.....

"I'VE GOT YOUR BALLS!!!" - teacher as she removed the testes from a fruit fly

New Term: Office Rack

Office Rack -Man boobs that develop as a result of working an office job and getting out of shape.

As in: "Yeah I know, I have an office rack"

Thanks For Giving Me Extra Work

Written on one of my classroom desks

"I had fun in your class. Have a good summer"

On Racist Teachers

"Mr. ________ handed this Asian kid in our class a paperclip and said 'here, make a computer' " - Student

On The Wisdom Of Farmers

"My dad always said you should spend twice as much time fixing something as complaining about it." - Teacher

Best Interview Answer Ever

"How closely are you aligned to the state standards" - Interviewer

"Exactly" - Applicant

On Stereotyping

"You've got to look at the clientele. We're talking about a bunch of Mexican's here." - Teacher

Uhhh....We Don't Have A Cow, We Have A Bull

Answer on a Quiz

Describe the function of each part listed

Testis : to make milk

And They Wonder Why They Fail

Where Are You Going With This Question?

"Mister, is sucking and blowing the same thing?" - Student

What They're Really Feeding You

FINALLY, frogs are in! Apparently they arrived either yesterday or Tuesday and have been in the cafeteria. - email from science teacher

Well Played

"Why are you rubbing her?" - Teacher to female student

"Because she likes it" - random student across the room

Harsh

"I love that song, please don't ruin it for me." - Student to another student who was singing

Teacher Truisms

"But you see, I'm teaching morons" - Teacher 1 (whining)

"Don't we all" - Teacher 2

The SAT Story

"There was this girl sitting next to me at the SAT. She had her shoes off and had a blanket covering her and she was doing inappropriate things for like a half hour during the test." - Student 1

"At least she was quiet" - Student 2

"Not if you were close to her" - Student 1

"Was she still taking the test?" - Student 2

"Yeah, she was still working on the test" - Student 1

"At least she was multi-tasking" - Student 2

This One's A Genius

"Can you get pregnant from doing oral sex?" - Student (female with a 1 year old already)

How Would I Know?

During a video about salmon

"That's how salmon do it?" - Student 1

"Does it feel good?" - Student 2

You Realize The Kid Can Read The Note Too And Now Knows That You Don't Give A _____ About Him

On a note a new student handed me this morning as he came into class.

"Xxxxx is transferring from xxxxxx high school. He is here only for the asparagus season and will not be enrolling this fall. He is not projected to graduate. ................"

Signed

counselor

I'm Speechless

"Please start working" - Teacher to group of students

"They're making fun of my butthole" - Student