I'm Speechless

"Please start working" - Teacher to group of students

"They're making fun of my butthole" - Student

HOW?

"Where have we been?" - Teacher

"I got my foot stuck in a vending machine. It really hurt." - Student

Okay Then, Thanks For Sharing

An Email I received today

Subject: Student name and ID number

Hello,

FYI,

He is in jail and will return as soon as he can.

Well Played

"How come boys always have more fun" - Student 1 (female)

"It probably has to do with the Y chromosome" - Teacher

"That's the fun chromosome" - Teacher

"And the STUPID chromosome" - Student 2 (female)

Yes, But You Still Have A Magic Wand

"What did you do!?!?! I mean I know what you did, please don't tell me about it." - Teacher (talking to an obviously pregnant student and her co-conspirator)

"I'm GAY" - Student (male/father) - interjecting before another word can be said

Why, Yes You Do

"Ewww, we look so disgusting inside" - Student

That May Cost You This Evening

"I'm at work, she's not my wife." - Teacher discussing a fellow teacher who actually is his wife.

On The Effects OF Religion

"I have four children.... it was my Catholic period." - Educational consultant

On Reasons For Teaching High School

"I thought of teaching small children, but I found small children generally repugnant" - Educational Consultant

New Term - Cropdusting

Cropdusting = Farting while walking

Example: "I just did some cropdusting back there" - Teacher

Honesty

"I never danced with my butt up on other people like that." - Teacher 1

"I did" - Teacher 2

On Peewee Herman

"He was caught working out in the theater." - Teacher

What Kind Of Friend Are You?

"Do you want the friend truth or the TRUTH" - Student discussing her friend's boyfriend

You Have My Undivided Attention

"My best friend kinda, almost burned down her house the other day." - Student

They Make Those?

Answer on a test.

Question: Discuss methods for reducing energy consumption in transportation.

Answer: Drive cars that don't rely on energy.

Not Something You Want To Hear In The Bathroom

"That was an explosive lunch" - Teacher

Thanks for Sharing

"Can I go to the bathroom? I have to pee like a pregnant woman." - Student

That's Not Good

"Stop touching her innappropriately" - Teacher to student

"I was just showing her what my teacher does" - Student

On Lies We Tell Small Children

"When I was a kid my mom would tell me 'you'll get worms in your butt if you drink too much sugar' ".

On Enticing (Or Repulsing) The Snow Gods

"Do you think if we all got naked and ran around outside it would snow more? - Student

On Mean Subs

"It was like prison without the rape" - Student

That's Not The Image I Had In Mind

"I know that part (of DNA replication) has a V in it because V is for vagina." - Student (female)

On Blood Donation Rules

"Why do they not let you give blood if you're gay?" - Student

"Well, they're screening for certain risk factors" - Teacher

"Like what?" - Student

"Well certain behaviors have a higher risk of fluid contact and potentially transmitting a disease like HIV" - Teacher

"Like taking it up the butt? Why don't they ask girls if they take it up the butt and not let them give blood if they do?" - Student

Embarrasing

On a note addressed to me and discretely held up in class while I was teaching.

"___________, you have a huge booger and its distracting me."

On Slutty Teachers

"I was walking up the stairs and looked up and saw this girl wearing this crazy short skirt and thought 'who would wear that to school' and then it I realized that it was Mrs. __________." - Student 1

"Yeah, she's dressed like a slut today" - Student 2

At Least They Try

"Have a good weekend, and please don't do anything stupid" - Teacher

"And if you do wear a helmet" - Student

No... The Pyramids Just Built Themselves

"I didn't even know people lived in Egypt" - Student

On Religion

"That girl's Mormon? She's too short to be Mormon" - Teacher (Mormon)

"What there's a height requirement now to be a Mormon?" - Student

"Yeah, its just like the rides a Disneyland, you have to be a certain height to get into heaven." - Teacher (Mormon)

On Corrupting Influences

"Driver's licenses and girls, they're the downfall of an empire" - administrator

On Angry Nuns

"That's why I left the church years ago." - Teacher