Well Played

"What the heck is that?!?!" - Student 1

"That's what she said" - Student 2

And How Do You Know That?

"For the record, flavored condoms do run out of flavor" - Student

On Teacher's STDs

"I took some pictures of Mrs. ______'s syphilis and gonorrhea on my phone today. They're these cute little stuffed things that tell about the STD on the tag." - Student

On The Male Mind

"You just like her because she wears skimpy skirts and tall boots" - Student 1 (male)

Silence - Student 2 (male)

"And there you go not denying it" - Student 1

That Must Have Been Fun To Watch

"I got suspended for throwing a pencil at this kid (long pause) sorry, PENCILS." - Student

Apparently over 30 pencils were thrown which begs, was the teacher asleep?

Is Your Counselor Even Dumber Than You?

"My counselor wanted me to see if there was any chance I could pass this class" - Student (current grade = 4% 45 absences 2 weeks until the end of the semester)

Good Luck, You Little Bastard

"Oh F###, you work here!" - Freshman Student after treating me like crap for most of a class period because he thought I was a substitute

"Yep, I'm Mr. ___________, and I'll probably be your Biology teacher next year." - Me

You Can't Argue With Evidence

"My dog just got hungry, I guess." - Student

I'm Not Sure I Want To Know

"Do you know what barebacking is?" - Student asking me

They then proceeded to provide me with the definition. Not cool.

On Nerds

"They don't make you any smarter so I stopped eating them" - Student

On Coming To Work To Stay Safe

"Has __(your wife) ____ had her baby yet?" - Me

"No, THAT'S why I'm here" - Staff Member

Uhhh.... And Where Exactly Is That?

"I think boobs would just get in the way" - Student (male)

"Not if know where to put them" - Student (female)

I Didn't KnowThat Was Even Possible

"_______ peed green today" - Student telling me

The student who was being discussed proceeded to walk over to the wall and point out the exact color of her pee on a poster.

On Teaching Your Parent About The TV Guide Channel

"I told her, 'Mom, if it say's adult its PORN, If it says erotic or exotic, its PORN' " - Student

On Words That Sound The Same

"I taught 7th grade my first year and I asked them to write a horror story and I got several whore stories instead" - Teacher

On Personal Creation Stories

"I don't want any stories involving the back seat of a Nova" - Teacher

On Things Girls Are Better At Than Boys

"They have to have men and women in separate categories for curling in the Olympics because women are better at sweeping than men." - Student

How Could It Not Go Up?

"A 13 %!! Awesome, it went up!" - Student on seeing his new grade

On Risk/Reward Calculations

"Hey, go in there for me" - Student 1 (asking her friend to go into a class in session and get something)

"No, there's no hot guys in there" - Student 2

On Watching Your Mother Give Birth

"I told her 'Mom, I've spent too much time staring at your vagina' " - Student

As I Feel My Stomach Sink To My Feet

"Would you be happy or sad if you found out you were pregnant as a high school student?" - Student

Meanwhile The Teenage Boy In The Discussion Is Trying To Not Look Too Interested

"My friend walked out of her classroom and there were two girls just full on making out." - Student 1 (female)

"Uggh, that's disgusting. I think I'd have to go take a shower after that" - Student 2 (female)

I'm Not Looking Forward To Getting Old Either

"Why is it that when you get old you have to get a prostate exam? And why do they have to test for it like that? It's just wrong." - Student

On Being A Cheerleader In Uniform

"It's kind of like walking around school in your underwear" - Student

On the Wisdom Of Teenage Boys

"Do you think we'd get in trouble if we brought blow up dolls instead of beach balls to graduation? We'd paint the parts purple and white." - Student

Make Sure Your Sister Doesn't Rat You Out

"Hey _______ your mom called to excuse your brother's absence yesterday. She said he had diarrhea." - Teacher
"He didn't have diarrhea. He got a ticket. He went home to get his money so he could pay it off before my parents found out and my mom caught him at home and so he lied to her so he wouldn't get in trouble" - Student

Thanks For Checking

Phone conversation from earlier this morning

"Hello" - Teacher

"Hello, this is ________'s mom. Is he there today?" - Parent (incredibly thick Asian accent)

"He was, class is over so he's already gone. Can I transfer you to his next teacher?" - Teacher

"No. I just checking to see if he in class today" - Parent

"Thank you. Yes, he was here." - Teacher

"Okay, good. Yesterday he come home early because he get the diarrhea. I just checking to make sure he no have it anymore." - Parent

I'm Glad You Finished That Question

"When was your first time.........(3 or 4 second pause)... hung over?" - Student asking me

And I'm Supposed To Care?

"I hate you" - Student - angrily as she walked out the door

Why Did She Have Her Sandwich In The Bathroom?

"Ask ______ about her sandwich. When we were in 8th grade she accidentally left it in the bathroom. It was all wrapped in foil and some other kid wrote bomb on it so they evacuated the whole school and we had to stand out in the freezing cold for like three hours while the brought the bomb squad in and took it out." - Student