Why Did She Have Her Sandwich In The Bathroom?

"Ask ______ about her sandwich. When we were in 8th grade she accidentally left it in the bathroom. It was all wrapped in foil and some other kid wrote bomb on it so they evacuated the whole school and we had to stand out in the freezing cold for like three hours while the brought the bomb squad in and took it out." - Student

Maybe I Should Look At Who I'm Talking To Before I Answer

"Can I go to the bathroom?" - Student (about 7 months pregnant)

"Can you wait?" - Teacher

And How Do You Know That?

"Potassium looks like cocaine" - Student

No... You're A Moron With A Head Injury

"It's OK, I'm a gymnast" - Student - after landing headfirst on concrete after failing an attempted backflip

Did She Go To A Witch Doctor?

"My sister went to some doctor because she has all these allergies. To test to see if she was allergic to cats he had her hold cat hair in her hand and hold out her arm while he tried to push her arm down. He said that because she couldn't hold up her arm with the cat hair in her hand but could hold up the arm without cat hair that she was allergic to cats." - Student

Stomping On My Foot Keep From Laughing

"We missed you" - Teacher (she'd been absent at least a week)
"Yeah, sorry"
"I would have been there yesterday but my chicken died"
"I had to go home early because I was sad" - Student
"Okay" - Teacher (struggling to not smile or sound incredulous)
"Yeah, it was my favorite pet chicken" - Student
"Well, I'll see you in class" - Teacher

WTF? - Are You An IDIOT?/Why The Hell Are You Calling Your Kid In The Middle Of Class?!

This was in the middle of a lecture in class with a kid less than six feet from me.

"Hello" - Student
"Really?!, HANG UP YOUR PHONE" - Teacher
"But its my mom" - Student
"HANG UP THE PHONE" - Teacher
"But my mom's calling me" - Student
"I don't care, hang it up" - Teacher
"But she'll be mad if I don't answer" - Student
"GET OUT" - Teacher

At Least She's Honest

"We missed you yesterday" - Teacher

"Yeah, I was acting sick" - Student

On Priorities

"My sister fell down in the snow this morning and said 'ow, my phone' " - Student

And You're Selling It At An Adult Store?

"We're making a robot that can be switched to either male or female. It's going to be an awesome toy" - Student

On Marketing Lies

"Big macs are total lies. There's nothing big about them." - Student

Please Lay Off The Reefer, Genius

"I only counted 44 states" - Student

"You counted every single one?" - Teacher

"Oh, Alaska's a state?" - Student

On Being Caught In The Act

"Welcome back, its been a while" - Teacher (to a student who has been gone for at least 3 weeks)

"They kind of made me come back, they came to my house and got me" - Student

"So they woke you up and drug you out of bed?" - Teacher

"Well..., I wasn't exactly sleeping, in bed" - Student

I'll Keep That In Mind

"I'm not allowed to cook anymore because I kind of burned down someone's house last summer" - Student

Thanks For Starting My Day On A Positive Note

"I've come to the conclusion that teaching is a failure driven career. No matter what I do I'll never be good enough." - Teacher

On The Effects Of Non-academic College Activities

"Can you let me into my room I locked my keys in there" - Teacher 1

"And that's what we call brain damage." - Teacher 2

"Yeah, too much hops and bong resin" - Teacher 1

Since When Did High Five = Gay?

"Let's be gayer than a rainbow and give each other a high five." - Student to another student

This One's Got Potential

"Why did you transfer to here?" - Teacher

"Because I got kicked out" - Student

"For?" - Teacher

"They said I was selling drugs" - Student

"Were you?" - Teacher

"No, I was just using them" - Student

Please Stop Wasting My Time

"Why haven't you been coming to school?" (he's been absent the past 3 weeks) - Teacher

"My hands hurt" - Student

"Really?" - Teacher

"Yeah, I had some warts removed and it hurt." - Student

And You Wonder Why You Don't Have A Girlfriend

"I've got a question. Why do girls feel the need to tell us all their problems when we really don't care. It's really annoying." - Student (male) asking a bunch of girls

On Birth Control

"So because of her (The Virgin Mary) we can't say that abstinence is 100% effective" - Student

On The Mercurial Emotions Of Teenage Girls

"This machine is like a 13 year old girl. If you look at it wrong its going to break down and cry." - Phlebotomist at Red Cross Blood Drive about the double red cell machine.

Thanks For The Moral Support

"You have girl blood" - Student to me after seeing the plasma being returned to my arm from the double apheresis machine.

One Of Life's Enduring Mysteries

"Why do those people (from Canada) like to jump naked into really cold water?" - Student

That Can't Be Appropriate - Time For You To Quit Talking

"Did I just hear you say Camel Toe?" - Student (really loudly to his seatmate)

So The Earth Used To Be Egg Shaped?

Quiz Question - Why are tropical fossils found on Antarctica?

Student Answer - "Because Antarctica used to be farther south."

Exactly How Long Do You Plan On Living?

"Girls are mean" - Student 1 (Male)

"You're giving us a bad name" - Student 2 (female)

"You give yourselves a bad name!" - Student 3 (male)

How Kids Describe Parents

"I saw your dad the other day. He came with this entourage of Mexicans." - Student

Random

"You guys are lucky. You get to look at Asian cheek cells." - Student

We Only Hire The Best

"My English teacher my sophomore year would come in every morning and say 'good morning dumb asses' to our class." - Student