On Vegetarians

"Vegetarians stink! They smell really bad." - Student

On Whale Nipples

"Where are the milk things on whales?" - Student
"Nipples?" - Teacher
"Yeah, where are the nipples on a whale?" - Student

Training videos

"You'll learn in life that if you have to go to a training or sign something its to cover someone's butt. Now if you get hurt you can still sue but you'll have to prove neglect. Which if you're playing for me, isn't hard to do." - Teacher/Coach

Concussions

"Now that I've watched the video, I know the signs for a concussion, which is pretty much every high school kid. Impaired motor skills, stupid decisions, brain damage..." - Teacher

Umm... I don't want to know how you got there

"So is meiosis sexual or asexual reproduction?" - Teacher
"When is your wife having her baby?" - Student

On Math

"I have a really bad headache, I think its my body's way of telling me that Calculus is bad for me." - Student

On Valentines In High School

"Nothing says I love you like a f***ing huge bear and a three pound chocolate heart" - Student (sarcastically)

I Don't Think I Want To

"We're going to play a game called guess whats in my pocket. (pause) That's probably a game that only girls should play." - Teacher leading out a staff meeting

On Swine Flu Urban Legends

"They close the doors and make you leave your clothes outside." - Student

Who Are You Talking About?

"I just don't want her peeing on the graves." - Teacher

That Makes We Want To Contribute

"Your opinion doesn't matter" - Teacher spoken to another teacher

On Farting

"If you've never farted, you've missed out." - Teacher

Overshare

"If I eat too many beans or deviled eggs, I have lots of flatus, you call it farting." - Teacher

Maybe That's Why She Has A 20% F

"That's hard, you expect me to memorize that or something?" - Student
"Yes" - Teacher
"That's stupid, I'm not doing that" - Student

A Better Name For The Undo Button

"Where's your retard button?" - Student

Timing Is Everything

"How do they check for colon cancer" - Student
Before I could answer one of the kids made a motion like he was putting on a glove and going somewhere with two fingers and out of nowhere one of the girls who wasn't paying any attention at all chimes out really loud "That hurts!"

I couldn't keep a straight face and it took me about a minute to recover from laughing so hard I was crying.

This One Is Really Promising

"I'm new" - Student
"Good, what were you studying before?" - Teacher
"I don't know" - Student
"Really?" - Teacher
"Um, graphing" - Student
"That's math" - Teacher
"Oh, then I don't know" - Student

On Chicken Sex

"Do roosters have a weiner?" - Student 1
"No" - Teacher
"So how do chickens do it?" - Student 1
"Well they have this thing called a cloaca" - Teacher (illustrated by hand motions)
"So its basically some scissor action?" - Student 2

At this point I changed the subject

On Sloppy Eaters

"Hey - you must have not gotten over breastfeeding yet! You're still stuck in the phase!" - Student

What are you selling?

"And there ladies and gentlemen is the electric pickle" - Teacher

On Pickles

Called like a play by play with increasing excitement
"Ok, lets plug the pickle in"
"The pickle is dripping"
"The pickle is smoking"
"The pickle is glowing"

On Skydiving

"Only birdshit and idiots fall out of the sky" - Teacher

On Physics Pain

"You ever hear the song 'love hurts'?"
"They're talking about how many times per second it hurts" - Teacher

Its Been A Long Time

"Scientists just discovered an organism, a rotifer, a little pond scum animal, that has been asexual for 20 million years" - teacher
"Wow! That's like my grandma" - Student

How do you answer that?

"If you could make a baby by yourself, how would you do it?" - Student

They Think I'm Insulting Them

"Ok, quiet down diploids"

On Track and Field

"Throwers put the beast in beastiality" - Student

On Candles

"Do you want to buy a candle?" - Student 1
"Umm, no." - Teacher
"They can be used as lotion as well" - Student 1
"So you can set the mood and then use some hot wax as lotion?" - Student 2

How do you know that?

"The freshman this year are little whores" - Student

How?

"Oh, I love fish! I went scuba diving at petland this weekend" - Student